Writing A Program To Stop The Cruciatus Curse

I had a horrible night last night. Not only was my insomnia acting up really awful but my mind was racing all night about some sort of check boxes, turning them on and off in some sort of program and this had to do with the pain in my body but I couldn’t get it right and the whole night my body was in excruciating pain — I now imagine this is what the Cruciatus Curse in Harry Potter must feel like. All I kept thinking as the night went on is that there had to be a correct combination of checked boxes to make the pain stop.

Anyway, against my doctor’s advice this morning but under J’s, I took 2 Alleve with the 2 Tylenol my doctor told me to take. So far I don’t feel any better. When I woke up, my feet felt as if I’d been working behind the counter of a customer service desk for 10 hours and so did the back of my thighs and that kind of pain never went away quickly for me.

To be honest, I don’t feel rested at all and I feel like that Ambien was a complete waste. I need to find a way to rest at night. I think that would help a great deal.

Tags: fibromyalgia, insomnia, Cruciatus Curse, Harry Potter

Discombobulated Katrina Thoughts — 09/12/05

• I’ve an appointment with a shrink for next Monday to discuss the post-Katrina nightmares and illness and such.
• I hope I get some restful sleep before then. Ambien didn’t help much.
• Meg and Peter have left Memphis to stay with a friend of Meg’s family in Baton Rouge since both their law firms are openning offices there…they still can’t find “reasonably” priced housing.
• BJ found Red for me. He said she seems fine. Her husband is in Baton Rouge but she’s stayed at the hospital to work.
• I have finally made contact with three of my former co-workers. At least one has lost her house, but they and their families are safe. The hospital is open or reopenning and they are returning to the area this/next week and will be housed by the hospital. I wish I could find the one who’s baby was due this month.
• I am more and more convinced that somehow we need to get computers and internet connections down to the shelters and surrounding areas to help evacuees gain access to all the online disaster info. 15 minutes a day on the library computer is not enough time.
• Hurricane Katrina: We Shall Overcome is still looking for contributers.
• Must order some flowers or something for my mom today.
• I wish I could do more.
• I just realized I forgot to do my Friday First 5 Sentences last week. Sorry about that.

Tags: discombobulated, Hurricane Katrina, insomnia, blogs

Discombobulated Thoughts for Aug 3, ‘05

• Best Buy was the only place in the Portland, ME area that had Firefly series DVDs. I even had to explain to the brilliant guy at Blockbuster that he should order some since there’s a movie coming out next month.
• I have not been sleeping well and I’m not sure why. I don’t think it’s the accident, but I guess I’m going to really have to start taking ambien again regularly.
• Needy has to go to the vet because he’s developed an aversion to the litter box. They actually wanted me to get him to hold it until he got there…how do you do this with a cat who will go everywhere but the litter box? I don’t think it’s medical. I think the Littermaid has somehow traumatized him. At least he’s stopped peeing on my laundry. *sigh*
• My back was way better yesterday but worse today. I don’t get it. Plus, I’ve been having regular migraines the last few days.
• I’ve decided on a new theme for this site. I’ll start working on it this weekend…something with a little less purple and pink.

Tags: discombobulated, Firefly, insomnia, migraine

Change Is The Only Constant

Since arriving here and “settling” into my new apartment, I’ve kind of dragged my feet about getting a couple of things done. For example, I’ve not finished unpacking my office, I’ve not re-arranged my kitchen after my mom unpacked, I’ve not taken my “diet” seriously, I’ve not hung up any of my wonderful art collection, and I’ve not bothered to get my license changed. Maybe the feeling that it’s all temporary has enabled the procrastination.

However, I don’t have that temporary thing to be my excuse any more. Yesterday I found out that I’ve been a permenant employee for a while, but my boss just forgot to mention it. So that’s good news, but I guess I need to stop resting on my laurels and get with the program now, huh?

***Well, I saw the newest specialist doctor this Thursday. This one is going to help me with my sleep disorder(s). She’s scheduled me a stay in the hospital at the end of September for a sleep lab to see if I might suffer from sleep apnea. but she also has diagnosed me with insomnia, something I’ve tried to get doctors to recognize before. She gave me a list of rules to follow like no reading or watching tv or playing on the laptop in bed anymore unless I’m sick. From now on, the bed is just for sleeping or, if I ever become intimitely involved with anyone, sex. The worse thing she said is that I need to give up caffeine completely.  I’ve done that before so I figured, I’d suffer a couple of days of headache and irritibility and be fine. No biggie, right?Well, the first 24 hours weren’t as bad as I thought they’d be. I had a headache that wouldn’t go away despite Tylenol and Ultracet. The next 12 hours weren’t so bad either. However, 44 hours in, I became so nauseated and my stomach was so upset that I had to rush to the bathroom 3 times while the gal at the hair salon was coloring my hair. She pointed out that I was incredibly pale and looked like I might pass out. I was shaking from the weakness and left without the usual blow dry and style followed by shopping in the outlets in Freeport. I stopped at the grocery and picked up a bottle of Gatorade, a box of crackers, some Twizzlers (comfort food), and a Diet Coke. I’ve been sipping the Diet Coke. I still feel nauseated and I’ve got a nasty migraine.

I guess I’m going to have to wean myself off of caffiene rather than going cold turkey. I’ve never had this problem. It’s never been this bad when I’ve given it up in the past.

Ah, to be skinny, caffeine-free, and sleeping with ease…

Tags: insomnia, sleep apnea, migraine, wellness

Visit with the Doctor

So, I went to the new doctor today. I really like her and apparently I’m really lucky to get her as she has few patients personally; she’s a teaching doctor and usually works as the “backup” for the residences. She’s really great and attentive.

We have a lot of things to work on but we’ve decided to focus on a few things right now and think about other things. First on the list is the insomnia/sleeping issues and the migraine. I’m being scheduled for a sleep study which will involve at least one night spent in the hospital. She agrees with me that sleep apnea is a likely suspect based on my symptoms and the fact that both parents snore. Ironically I told her in our conversations that my mother has a tendency to tell me about family medical conditions after I’ve been diagnosed with something. So, tonight after I told my mother about the sleep study, she says that my annoying uncle has sleep apnea. She insists that she must have told me, but I just talked to her last week about my concerns regarding sleep apnea and she had told me she didn’t know why I’d suspect it… :crazy:

In the meantime, the new doc has given me Amitriptyline HCL (25mg) to take at night before bed to help me sleep and relax me. The hope is that this will help me feel more rested and less fatigued and ease the headaches and migraines. I took it about 40 minutes ago but I’m still too awake to sleep.

She also wrote me a prescription for Ultracet since I was almost out. Of course, my mother told me afterwards that my grandmother is no longer taking Ultracet and has a lot left and she can send me the leftovers (it’s the same dosage). She told me this after I spent $30 to get the new script filled. *sigh*

She wants me to think about meeting with some sort of fitness counselor (she thinks my insurance will pay for it). This person is more than a nutritionist and supposedly would help me plan out a fitness program as well as a diet. I’d be accountable to her once a month, which might be the motivation I need. I’m to discuss it with her after the sleep study.

She also wants me to think about some anxiety therapy to teach me how to not think about things — rather to help me learn to refocus my mind when it gets focused on some perceived wrong (whether it’s real or not). I told her I would think on it too, and probably I’ll do this. The therapy to help me with co-dependency went really well, I think. I mean, I’m 1700 miles from everyone and I’ve not broken down yet.

She offered to get me up to date on my Depo, but I think I want to wait until I at least get a period again so I can see if maybe the irregularity has straightened out now. Maybe I don’t need it.

My blood pressure was 130/88 which isn’t good. Now I’m back to wondering if my headaches are being triggered by the high blood pressure or that my headaches are triggering high blood pressure. I guess it’s back to monitoring twice a day. I haven’t been walking like I used to when I originally brought my blood pressure down to normal, so I guess that’s good incentive to get back to walking 3-6 times a week…and lose these last 20-something pounds.

The only thing that kind of bothered me about the visit was something she asked me. When I told her that not only was I not sexually active now, I’ve never been. She asked me if I’d thought about whether I might be interested in men or women sexually. I assured her that I like men very much. But now I wonder if I have that Chandler Bing quality where people think I’m a lesbian. Maybe she just has to ask that question and I just took it odd. It was weird because I’d just been telling some people that my mom occassionally has the “We’ll love you no matter what” talk with me when she thinks I’ve not been dating enough.

Tags: wellness, insomnia, migraine, Amitriptyline HCL, Ultracet

I Can’t Believe It’s Almost June Already

I can’t believe tomorrow is June already. This month seems to have slipped right by without too muc hooplah.

I really have been meaning to write and I really don’t have much of an excuse. I’ve spent the month working, dieting, shopping, orgainizing, unpacking, cleaning and purging. I have a whole closet full of stuff to take to Goodwill but I’m reluctant to take it until I’m done with the unpacking. I’m so lazy I just want to go the one time. My goal is to have nothing in those carboard boxes except holiday decorations — and those will be transfered to more appropriate boxes as they are unpacked and used. Everything I unpack I ask myself if I’ve been using it or if I really plan to use it and if I do, it gets put in a place to stay and if not, it gets put in a box to go. I can’t believe how many boxes I’m giving up, though they aren’t out yet. However, it does feel kind of good to purge. I’m ready to stop being a packrat and start embracing my inner Monica. I guess all of those episodes of Clean Sweep are starting to pay off.

My electric bill for the first month here was $66! I couldn’t believe it. I have a townhouse that is 100 square feet bigger than my last one and my bill is $100 - $150 cheeper! Of course, there’s no air-conditioning which was a big factor in New Orleans. I’ve discovered that so far, outside of one day, I’ve not really had a real problem with heat. Certainly there’s no problem with humidity up here that I’ve discovered. BJ always said humidity in New Orleans was like walking into one of those hot wet hand towels they give you in sushi restaurants. :hehe: The one day I had a problem it was 80 degrees outside and pouring down rain with high winds so I couldn’t have but two windows open that were protected somehow. The next day I bought a fan for downstairs and one for upstairs just to circulate the air. I’ve used the upstairs one a couple of times but not because of real heat — when I have migraines I feel hot with no raised body temperature but the fan blowing on me makes me feel better.

I’ve had a couple of migraines, mostly on Sundays, that were so bad I thought I’d be sick — was actually once. I only had one really bad one that I went to work with and I suffered but I made it through the day. I did get one last Friday afternoon too but again I just suffered through it.

I have a theory about my morning headaches. I think some of them are caused by sleep apnea. Now, the cats aren’t talking so I don’t know if I snore. I asked my mom if I did since we shared the big bed at the inn in April but she didn’t hear me snore — probably because she couldn’t hear it over her snoring. Anyway, snoring isn’t the only version of sleep apnea. It can be caused by a cessation of breathing for whatever reason. I think that may be my problem. Thinking back there have been a few times when I woke up taking a deep breath. Symptoms include restless sleeping, insomnia, day-time fatigue, and feeling tired all of the time. These are all things I suffer from. Still, I don’t have an appointment with a doctor until mid-July so I’ll just have to keep a list of things I want to talk to her about.

I tried eliminating the food on the no-no list but I just couldn’t do it. I did cut back on the foods on the list and I was caffiene free for 3 weeks before I was out shopping and hit with a bad headache and it was easier to get a Diet Coke than buy Tylenol when I have 2 bottles of Sam’s Club-size Tylenol at home. :plain:

So, I’m still having headaches pretty much daily. I’m trying to stick to just taking Tylenol. I reserve Ultracet for the bad ones and I’m avoiding the Zomig completely.

***My weight loss program isn’t going as well as planned. I’ve been staying within my WW points but I’ve only lost 1.6 pounds this month. The last few days my weight has been going up. Granted, I’ve not done well with the water and I haven’t added exercise back into my lifestyle. I’ve had excuses. Excuses aren’t always good reasons. I haven’t done my Firm DVDs because there are still big boxes with artwork in my living room in the way. I haven’t been on my treadmill because until this weekend there were too many boxes in the office surrounding it (stuck in the upward position). Today I went shopping for many hours and came home increadibly sore and aching — a sign that I’m really out of shape. My knees have started bothering me too which is upsetting me because I’m afraid that my weight has finally done something to them. I really don’t want to end up having to do surgery because having watched Red go through it, I know that the surgery doesn’t really fix it and you end up having to do it again and again. ***I woke up at 7am this morning to a loud beep sound which turned out to be something in my house announcing that the electricity was out. What I then realized is that if the electricity goes out, I have no heat (because the gas heater is plugged into the electric socket for some reason) and I have no phone (because the cable phone is controlled by the special cable box which is plugged into the socket) and I cannot cook because I have an electric stove and my bathroom is pitch dark because there are no windows in there…By 8:30am, it was below 60°F in the upstairs room with the sunlight flooding in. Fortunately someone else in the complex must not have a cable phone because they turned on the electricity again.I just hope that doesn’t happen during winter… ***I went to see Shrek 2 this morning at 9:30am. It really is hard to get used to the old theaters again. New Orleans has those THX stadium-like theaters that really spoil you. Still the movie is really good, as good as the first. I love Puss in Boots but I’m a sucker for a cat with a Spanish accent. What can I say? One of the funniest scene is when people run in terror from the Starbucks to the Starbucks across the street…you’ll understand when you see it. Really, I can’t wait for it to come out on DVD so I can watch it again to catch all the little details and jokes.Next weekend I’m going to see Harry Potter for certain, and I’ll probably go to the Old Port Festival…unfortunately alone. I’m really not good at walking up and talking to strangers — guess my parents taught me too well — so I doubt I’ll come home with any new friends, but I’m at least going to go check it out.Toward the end of the month, there’s an anime/gaming con in Portland which I am definitely going to. I’m just trying to decide if I want to go for all three days (well, Friday eve through Sunday anyway) or just Saturday and Sunday. I really want to make an effort to go to the open board gaming and open SJ gaming since those are the things I’m used to and miss. I also want to go watch the Cosplay and learn more about it because I think I would be interested in participating in that in the future…guess I need to take sewing lessons.I have been kind of keeping my ears open for some kind of artsy class. I went to two craft stores today and inquired about the classes for next month but both only have painting classes this month — something that just doesn’t interest me unless it’s painting objects and not canvasses. I’d like to learn soap-making, candle-making, beading, sewing, applique crafts, mosaic art, and maybe glass staining. I would like to learn how to feaux paint my furniture too. I’d also like to take a cooking class — I wish now I’d taken a cajun cooking class before I lost my job.

***I’m just now really starting to miss “back home”; really it’s just little things, like the sushi place I used to go, just hanging out with friends occassionally, going to movies in the Palace, gaming, Cafe Cafe’s salads, my favorite Mexican places, Blue Bunny yogurt (do you know how hard it is to find Light Yogurt made with Spenda here?), and other little things that add up.Of course, finding Skinny Cows in coffee and strawberries & cream flavors helps a little… ***I know it’s going to take a while but I’m still having anxiety attacks about losing my job. I’m really kind of worried that the moment I get everything unpacked and have paid for my “new” used washer & dryer (buying them from some neighbors who are moving back South in a few weeks because the winters are too long), then I’ll be fired again. I just don’t feel secure though I don’t know why not. I mean, o.k., this is a 2 year temp job which makes me a little more easily disposable and also I don’t feel like I know everything I should yet but I also feel like I should already — though I know I was at my last job for over 6 years and while I may have at times thought I knew everything, I didn’t. I want to make myself indispensable so tomorrow I am getting together with MJ to learn how to do some of the work that only she does on the interface team because the other two simply had no interest in learning/doing it and it’s a bit of a carry over from when she worked on the Eclipsys product. She just seems so overloaded with stuff so I suggested she give some of the work to me and show me how to do it. My other two assignments are kind of slow and boring and I’d like to break it up.Still, the nightmares and the anxiety aren’t going away. In a way I think they are getting worse. I’ve been at my job 2 months now and I really feel like I’ve got another month to really prove myself. I want to accomplish something beyond a few Visio diagrams and creating some how-to documents.Though the Skinny Cows do help…sometimes…

Tags: Clean Sweep, migraine, sleep apnea, insomnia, Ultracet, Zomig, Shrek 2, anxiety

Should have’s & Must Pays

Well, Cingular did finally let me out of my contract, sort of. Basically, we cancelled the account last night and they are sending me a bill for $10/month left in the contract minus any credit on my account for previous payments.

Aparently, JB’s little brother has a “friend” who received a $700 bill from Cingular because the rate package she signed up with was no longer available at Cingular and they didn’t bother to notify her. As a sort of appology they took $100 off the bill, but the poor girl is a college student working in a coffee shop. $600 is quite a lot of money.

JB and his wife have Cingular but on a month to month contract and they have been considering other options. Upon hearing about my frustration with Cingular and his brother’s friend’s experience, he is definitely considering a change.

Unfortunately, Mickey contacted me after I managed to cancel the account about taking over my contract. It’s just as well. They’re struggling so much and while I see him as mostly responsible, circumstances and his wife’s spending habits make me leary anyway. Besides, JE really wants my phone. He asked me for it while he was here. Apparently, he wants it for parts or something. So, I’ll have to mail it to him later this week.

***I really feel nickled and dimed this month, but it’s not nickles or dimes; it’s a hundred here and fifty there.It’ll be $180 to Cingular.

I was told by the unfriendly man on the phone from the BMV that it’ll be $40 to change over my driver’s license. Apparently, even though I don’t have to take the test, I have to pay for it. The driver’s license I get in Portland, but I have to get my auto registration and title in Yarmouth (can’t get both in the same place) and I have to pay taxes on my vehicle since it’s newer than 1989.

I also have to get bolts to put the license plate on the front of the car as well as the back (in LA they only have them on the back).

Plus, there’s a state auto inspection which apparently is very intense and could lead to required repairs on my jeep. Hope they don’t complain about the paint job.

I’m taking the jeep today to an auto upholstry place to get the headline fixed. Right now the front part is being held up by masking tape. Esitmates on the phone were $300 which is twice what it was in LA, but I also think the auto shop folks think that I have a soft-top jeep, which would probably make it more money.

Those are the things that need to be done.

I have stuff on my list that I would “like” to have:

• New computer chair (cannot describe how bad the current one is)
• Washer & Dryer (It’s $2.50 to wash and dry a load of clothes in a laundry room that I have to walk across the parking lot and down the hill to)
• New Wireless router with print server (my old one is only for parallel port but my relatively new printer is USB)
• A wall phone with built-in caller-id and answering machine

I don’t think my tax refund and my deposit refund from the old apartment are going to cover all of that. My withdrawal of my local checking and savings accounts from my credit union in LA should mostly cover the headliner.

I am going to give my dad the money from the relocation expense check when I get it from the hospital. It’ll be about 1/3rd of what he’s given me over my time of unfortunate unemployment.

I’ve also decided to go back to putting $100/paycheck into my savings account, but this time I’m just having one savings account — none of that Christmas Club or Vacation Savings Club for me anymore. When you really need the money, you should be able to get to it without further penalty.

Plus, I need to get to a place where I’m not living paycheck to paycheck. After all, with my salary and at my age, I should be doing better financially. I need to cut down on spending. I need to concentrate on paying off my loan/debt. I need a new plan that hopefully won’t be utterly destroyed by unemployment again.

***Meanwhile, the bedroom is completely unpacked. The kitchen is completely out of boxes. The two bathrooms are quite livable for the moment. The office and living/dining room are full of boxes (the office more than the other). Because I was sick on Friday and busy shopping for things like a kitchen trash can, a run to cover the tv cable snaking through the hall, a shower caddy, curtains, and new pet tags and was exhausted and bodily sore after 6 hours, my bedroom didn’t get out of boxes until Sunday. I did set up my stereo and DVD player in the living room on Saturday, but haven’t really done anything in the living room/dining room.I should have done some unpacking last night but I was extremely sleepy all day — to the point where I was falling asleep reading my Anne Rice book during my lunch — and that’s just an excuse for not doing anything but watching tv, arguing with Cingular, grocery shopping, and eating a bag of cookies. Oh, I did go through a bunch of boxes in the office looking for my contract with Cingular, but I couldn’t find it.

This morning I couldn’t make myself get up despite having planned to get up at 5:30am to have more time in the morning for things like making lunch, eating breakfast and watching the news. Instead, I didn’t crawl out of bed until 7am, though I did watch 20 minutes of news from the saftey of my covers before then. I wish I could figure out how to pipe the sound from my tv into my radio in the bathroom so I could at least listen to CNN while I get ready in the morning. The ceiling fan in the bathroom, which comes on when you turn the light on, blocks out any noise from the televisions in either adjacent room. So, I just listen to WPOR’s morning crew, which isn’t bad as they aren’t incredibly goofy and they do have the news and weather in the hour or so that I listen.

Anyway, I bought this isotronic or isometric pillow — one of those “memory” foam pillows. It’s shaped with a dip in the middle and a short lip and a big lip on the bottom and top respectively. It’s supposed to give you the right, natural support for your neck and head. I’ve been using it since Saturday night and so far, I’ve not woken with a stiff neck that hurts and has a weird numbing sensation eminating from it as I have since I left New Orleans. I also haven’t woken with a headache; however, though I slept fine the first night, the last two nights, my sleep was restless as I keep waking up and in fact Sunday night felt like the slowest night of my life. I don’t know if the restlessness is associated with the pillow or if it’s my old insomnia rearing it’s ugly head again.

I made it to about mid-day yesterday following the no-no list, but I was so sleepy as I’d said that I ended up walking over to Starbucks and getting a Caramel Macciato, which I was surprised was just as good hot as iced since I forgot to order it iced). I also had one of their rice krispy treats, which I find very difficult to resist — particularly since I’d been relieved there weren’t any in the display cabinet but the girl remembered I like them and mentioned they had some behind the counter…Then I ate a whole bag of cookies for dinner, I’m afraid to say. The cookies are a special kind that I’ve not been able to find in LA in a long time and I just couldn’t seem to help myself. That however has passed now.

However, I ended up getting an iced caramel latte at Dunkin Donuts when I stopped to get a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast — a bitter reminder that I should have gotten up earlier to eat breakfast at home. :O I did pack my lunch but I have to go out to get an estimate on my headliner and depending on how long that takes, I may just stop somewhere and pick up a salad on the way back — I will try very hard to remember “no cheese”, but I love Feta on my salad.

Speaking of the no-no list, I’m discovering that so many of my recipes call for vinegar and/or cheese. I also like nuts in my food. I also love citrus fruits & juices, raisins and other dried fruits, and bananas. I especially miss yogurt, sour cream, and chocolate. *sigh*

Tags: Cingular, migraine, insomnia, diet