August 17th, 2005
(Sent to me via email. Thought it was damned amusing so I’m sharing.)
Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family.
What do you do?
Democrat’s Answer:
“Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor, Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,
and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage
such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.”
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
Southern Republicans Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click…..(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click
Tags: Democrats, Republicans, humor
June 6th, 2005
The current episode of Star Wars is dynamite for the duplicitous Bush administration. Palpatine, a Sith Lord masquerading as a galactic Republican, becomes Chancellor of the Galactic Republic through deception. Palpatine uses wars that he instigates to elevate security over the power of the Senate and to become dictator.
In a moment of triumph, Palpatine tells the Senate: “In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire, for a safe and secure society.” The senators respond with sustained cheering and applause. Padme says, “So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause.”
Sith lords use the powers of the dark side of the force. Jedi knights use the power of the good side. The Jedi are selfless and use their incredible powers to protect the Republic. Sith are evil and crave absolute power.
Palpatine, who is really Darth Sidious, manipulates the Senate and enlists the Jedi Council’s patriotism to “defend” the Republic against a “separatist” army that he secretly directs. The purpose of the orchestrated war is to erode liberty in the name of security. The naïve Jedi catch on too late and are decimated. The Republic falls.
For a strange, scary, and yet humorous comparison of the current Administration to the history of Star Wars, visit this editorial.
Tags: George W. Bush, politics, humor
August 25th, 2004
OMG! John Kerry has been reminding me of someone for months and I just couldn’t place who he looked like. Someone on the Weight Watcher boards pointed out that he looks like Guy Smiley from the Muppets…and now it’s all so clear to me. He is Guy Smiley with John Kennedy’s voice…
I am so going to giggle every time I see him now.
But damned if I don’t love to hear him speak.
***On a related note, I missed
The Daily Show last night with Kerry and I won’t be home to see the replay of it today at 7pm, but I did hear some sound bites on NPR this morning. I thought Stewart commenting to Kerry that he’d been watching some cable news channels and he had learned that apparently Kerry never
was in Vietnam. Kerry said he’d heard that too. Funny dig at those right-wing spin-mongers.
I am a little concerned though that with all those people out there taking blurbs of everything Kerry says and misquoting him out of context and twisting what he says some of those hateful people will take some of the things Kerry said in jest on The Daily Show and use it to convince the hateful ignorant mindless bushbots of more heinous mis-truths and lies about Kerry.
A co-worker told me the other day that Kerry will probably lose simply because Americans love negativity and a Bush is running a dirty, mudslinging campaign. He is the hero of people who love to hate everywhere. It’s an interesting theory and certainly worth considering.
Tags: John Kerry, humor
August 14th, 2004
G.I. Joe Is A Fake
By Dan Kois
Veterans group says military hero lied about his record; claims evil villains escaped his clutches during war against Cobra.
Aug. 14, 2004 | WASHINGTON — As G.I. Joe, the leader of America’s daring, highly trained special missions force, celebrates his 40th anniversary this summer, a group of veterans has aired television advertisements attacking his military record. The ads, purchased by G.I. Joe Veterans for Truth, accuse Joe of lying about his war record and letting villains escape throughout the 1985-86 war against Cobra, Destro and the forces of evil.
In one 60-second ad, veterans of the two-year-long, completely televised war — in which every weekday afternoon American troops fought Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world — speak out about G.I. Joe. “I served with G.I. Joe,” says one veteran, Thomas Ross. “G.I. Joe is no real American hero.”
In interviews yesterday arranged by G.I. Joe Veterans for Truth, a nonprofit arm of a little-known think tank called Serpentine Enterprises, the veterans — low-level G.I. Joe foot soldiers, all code-named “grunts” ? were unanimous in describing Joe as an incompetent leader unfit for command and not worthy of honor. Rogers, a blue laser gunner 1st class, described the ordeal he was put through during the celebrated incident in which the entire male leadership of the Joe team was hypnotized by the Baroness and her Conch of the Sirens.
“Our entire platoon was ordered to attack Cobra base just to free all these addlepated G.I. Joes,” Robertson said. “We risked our lives to save the Joes — not the other way around.” During the pitched battle, Robertson disarmed and captured three Cobra soldiers by shooting a nearby tree with his blue laser gun, causing the tree to fall on the enemy, trapping them. “I was dodging red lasers left and right,” Robertson added. “G.I. Joe said he’ll fight for freedom wherever there’s trouble. That was a lie.”
Another veteran, G.I. Joe Air Combat pilot Matthew Albers, noted that his squad was called in as air support when G.I. Joe allowed Cobra to take over Fort Knox. “This Zartan fellow disguised himself as the general in charge of the fort,” Albers said, “and G.I. Joe was completely fooled. We had to scramble a dozen planes to attack a United States Army base, just because Joe couldn’t see through a dime-store mask.”
Albers’ F-14 was shot down by a Cobra red laser cannon; the pilot and co-pilot had only seconds to eject and parachute to safety before the plane exploded. “Luckily,” said Albers, “we escaped with only minor injuries.”
His eyes misted up as he recalled the carnage that terrible day. “Eleven American soldiers suffered minor injuries at Fort Knox,” he said. “Was it worth it?”
After G.I. Joe retook Fort Knox, Albers added, every major Cobra officer escaped, including Zartan, Buzzer, Maj. Bludd, and Cobra Commander. Didn’t catch a one. We heard them cursing Joe’s name, but they drove away in a Hiss tank. Is that never giving up or staying till the fight’s won?” he asked. “No, it isn’t.”
In a press conference today, the public faces of G.I. Joe — Hawk, Lady Jaye, Flint and Sgt. Slaughter — assembled outside G.I. Joe headquarters. They were flanked by much of the Joe team, including the mysterious ninja Storm Shadow, silent and brooding, and the Native American tracker Spirit, feeding mice to his eagle Freedom in a dignified manner. (Joe himself resides in seclusion; the few glimpses the public has been offered suggest he is a giant of a man, up to four times as tall as the rest of his soldiers.)
“None of the grunts were present for G.I. Joe organizational meetings,” Flint said. “We’re grateful to them for all they’ve done for our country, but they simply don’t understand the tough choices G.I. Joe has had to make to keep America safe over the past 40 years. He kept Cobra Commander from carving his face on the moon with a giant laser. He shut down Destro’s Texas dude ranch. He stopped the Crimson Guard from replacing all the world’s money with Cobra currency. G.I. Joe was there.”
Asked about the number of times G.I. Joe let major international terrorists escape, Flint scoffed. “Let them escape? No way. These guys have escape plans, jet packs, submarines constantly at the ready. We’re just trying to foil their plans while keeping all our men safe. That’s why the 1985-86 Cobra war was the only war ever fought by U.S. troops in which no American or enemy soldiers died.”
Flint stepped back as Sgt. Slaughter took the microphone, shouting that two of the veterans in the TV ad bought by G.I. Joe Veterans for Truth were obviously Crimson Commander twins Tomax and Xamot in disguise. Lady Jaye came to the microphone and gently dismissed Slaughter’s accusation. “We are, however, worried that the ads might be secretly funded by Cobra,” Jaye added. “You reporters should remember that politically motivated advertisements aren’t always what they seem. Often, back in the shadows, the people pulling the strings might not be interested in telling the truth.”
The reporters at the press conference, surprised, smiled and clapped each other on the back. “Now we know,” said Rick Atkinson, a correspondent for the Washington Post.
“And knowing,” said Lady Jaye, “is half the battle.”
Tags: humor
August 13th, 2004
George W. Bush’s Resume
Education (highlights):
With my daddy’s help, I got into exclusive Andover, where I was a mediocre student.
Was in the bottom 20 percent of students as a freshman at Yale, where I also joined the secret Skull and Bones society.
Applied to the University of Texas Law School and was rejected.
Past work experience:
Ran for congress and lost.
Served for a decade on the board of a company that financed several R-rated slasher B movies.
Bought an oil company, but couldn’t find any oil in Texas, so the company went bankrupt. Sold all my stock just in the nick of time to a wealthy Saudi friend of my father.
Bought a small portion of the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that forcibly took land using eminent domain and taxpayer money. Most notable decision: Traded Sammy Sosa to the White Sox for Harold Baines. Most notable profiteering: Parlayed a $605K loan into a $14.9 Million profit using taxpayer money and eminent domain laws to evict homeowners, obtain land and increase the value of the shares in the Texas Rangers.
Accomplishments While Governor of Texas (1995-2000):
Relaxed pollution laws for power and oil companies (I “grandfathered” the dirtiest coal burning power plants, making them exempt from clean air laws, for example) and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union, in 1999. The same year, Houston had the “highest ozone level reading in the nation”, and was second most ozone-polluted city in the country from 1997 through 1999.
Slashed taxes, reduced state revenue to the point of bankruptcy and put the Texas government in debt for billions in borrowed money, the interest for which is now paid for by the Texas taxpayer.
Set a record for the most executions by any Governor in American history and became famous for publicly mocking Faye Tucker, a Christian female death row inmate, for her clemency plea before she was executed.
Appointed US President, on a questionable decision by a highly partisan Supreme Court, after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes.
Accomplishments While US President (2001-present):
Attacked and invaded two countries so far, losing more US soldiers after I claimed “Mission Accomplished” than the total number who were killed during full combat operations in both wars combined.
Spent the largest surplus in the history of the country and nearly bankrupted the treasury.
Shattered records for the biggest annual deficit in history.
Presided over all time economic record for most private bankruptcies filed during any Presidency, beating the previous record, which was set during the depression years.
Set all-time record for biggest loss of value in the history of the stock market during any Presidency.
Helped “push” through Congress and then signed into law the largest overtime pay cut in US history, despite the fact that 3 out of 4 Americans opposed it.
First President in US history to enter office with a criminal record.
First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any President in US history.
After taking the entire month of August 2001 off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in US history, the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.
Set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips of any President in US history.
In my first three years in office over 3.3 million Americans lost their jobs.
Presided over the all-time U.S. record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
Set the record for the fewest amount of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
Presided over perhaps the biggest energy crisis in US history and refused to intervene when ENRON corruption was revealed and many states faced bankruptcy.
Presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans while posing on aircraft carriers in a flight suit and despite praising the troops at every opportunity.
Inspired the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest a US decision to go to war (15 million people).
My administration is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US history, surpassing the secrecy of the Nixon administration at its darkest moments.
Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (the ‘poorest’ multi-millionaire, Condoleeza Rice, had a Chevron oil tanker named after her).
Presided over the worst fiscal crisis to hit all 50 states of the Union since World War II.
Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud (ENRON, WorldCom, Global Crossing) of any market in any country in history.
First President in US history to order an unprovoked attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
First President in US history to start a war against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
Created the largest new government bureaucracy (Department of Homeland Security) in the history of the United States.
Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any President in US history.
First President in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights commission.
Along with my Attorney General, John Ashcroft, I have eroded the civil liberties of American citizens more than at any other time in US history.
After the 9/11 attacks, I lobbied for and signed into law the “rush job” Patriot Act, which legalized “Big Brother-like” surveillance of US citizens for the first time in history.
I disregard states rights when it suits me, but I always run for office on a platform that holds states rights above federal rights.
I’ve imprisoned more sick people for growing and smoking medicinal Cannabis than any other president, in violation of states rights, of course, and against the wishes of the states and local voters.
Withdrew from the World Court (International Court of Justice) and I refuse to recognize it unless it gives my administration, the US and global corporations special immunity.
I have kept 660 prisoners of war in Guantanamo Bay for two years without charging any of them. I’ve cleverly classified them as “enemy combatants”, thereby allowing me to circumvent the Geneva Convention when I feel like it.
All-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
My personal friend and biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
Instead of springing into action as Commander in Chief after I learned that the US was under attack on 9/11, I read a book called ‘The Pet Goat’ to schoolchildren for a while so I wouldn’t alarm them.
First US President to establish a secret shadow government, and I did this without the knowledge or participation of the opposition parties in congress.
Squandered world sympathy for the US after 9/11, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).
With a policy of ‘disengagement’ and open public support for alleged war criminal, Ariel Sharon, allowed and condoned the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
First US President in history to have a majority of the people of Europe view the US as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
First US President in history to have the people of South Korea feel more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden ‘dead or alive’. Additionally, I have failed to bring to justice anyone else responsible for the 9/11 attacks.
Failed to capture the anthrax suspect(s) who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building.
After intense pressure from families of 9/11 victims and others, I finally consented to a public 9/11 investigation over a year after the attacks. But my first nominee to head the Commission, Henry Kissinger, resigned because of his secret ties to Middle Eastern business interests.
In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war.
Entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every economic category into a sharply downward trend.
Did nothing about the failing US power grid during the first two years of my presidency, despite repeated warnings, and later presided over the largest total power blackout in US history that incapacitated several states and part of Canada.
In order to prevent financing abortions in China, I cut off all $34 million of aid to the U.N. Population Fund, which was also used to provide medical care to teenagers with defective pregnancies.
I have done a lot to weaken environment regulations in America. My administration has: Rolled back clean air standards; broken a promise to address global warming; slowed the clean up of toxic waste dumps while making taxpayers foot the bill; changed regulations to allow more arsenic in tap water; advocated a forest policy that will vastly increase timber cutting; cut back protections for endangered species; fought for oil drilling in the pristine Arctic National Wildlife Refuge; allowed America’s dirtiest power plants to keep polluting; opposed renewable energy and reversed course on energy efficiency; and given key positions in the White House to former energy executives and lobbyists.
Records and References:
At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been “lost” and is not available).
My daddy pulled strings to get me into the Air National Guard and make sure I didn’t have to serve abroad during the Vietnam war, and then I went AWOL and deserted the military during wartime, for which I was not punished.
I’ve never taken drug tests and I’ve been evasive about whether I’ve used any illegal drugs or not.
All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed and unavailable for public view.
Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed and unavailable for public review.
For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the secretive Carlyle Group, which has ties to the family of Osama Bin Laden).
Tags: George W. Bush, humor, politics
July 23rd, 2004
Someone sent this to me. It makes for thought-provoking reading.
THINGS YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE TO BE A REPUBLICAN TODAY
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s cocaine conviction is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
***And someone commented yesterday on the ludicrousness of the fact that homosexual marriage is being touted as the destruction of the sanctity of marriage but you don’t hear politicians up in arms about all the reality shows marrying off strangers or arranging for couples to cheat on each other, or the fact that numerous politicians and celebrities are getting quickie marriages and divorces as if they were switching apartments for better views or trading in cars for different models. Ironic that most of the homosexuals who want to get married are committed loving couples who will likely spend their forever together but the people deciding their right to a financial and legal union are often hypocrites who have had affairs or multiple marriages themselves.
***I heard on Paul Harvey this morning that the networks are only going to be devoting 3 hours of air time to the Democratic National Convention…3 hours to picking a presidential candidate, but 30 hours to pick the next American Idol…
Tags: politics, humor, Republicans
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