Maybe I’m Doing It Wrong

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Tags: Dilbert, cartoons, friendship, depression

Monday’s A Bitch: Randomness

1. If you could have a view of anything you wanted from your bedroom window, what would you choose? I was a true city girl before I moved to Maine, but now I really like seeing trees outside my window; I like knowing what season it is by studying their branches. This week there’s been this soft natural orange glow filling my room from the changing leaves outside. That’s something I didn’t get with the view of the canal in New Orleans.
2. Have you ever tried Red Bull? Did you like it? I’ve never tried it. I can’t imagine why I’d want to either actually. I’m not sure what it’s for.
3. Is there anything that you are embarrassed to go out and purchase? Well, seeing as I’m single and live alone, I can’t be bothered with being embarrassed about purchasing anything any more.
4. Do you like amusement park rides? Are high adrenaline rides preferable, or do you prefer the mellow ones? Most amusement park rides are migraine triggers for me — well, at least the fun ones are. Even some of the boring ones are. The ones I’ll risk it anyway are the wooden track rollercoasters. Those are by far the best any day…you can feel every bump and jostle; you can hear the clacking. Those newfangled metal rollercoasters are all just copies of each other.
5. Do you tend to be more attracted to people (romantically or for friendship) who are similar to you or very different? What sorts of differences in your personalities might attract you to a person? I like to surround myself with people with a diverse set of interests and personalities. I always have. Life is more interesting that way. It also may be why I haven’t done well in the romantic department — I do tend to date opposites of me on some ideal or another. I like to have friendships with people who have some similarities with me but have enough differences that we can discuss and influence and help each other grow. I’m always looking to meet new people who will teach me new things and help me expand my mind and my understandings of life in general.

Today’s Monday’s A Bitch can be found here.

If you are participating in Monday’s a Bitch, please leave a link to yours in my comments so I can check it out.

If you just want to answer the questions yourself on your blog or in my comments but not participate in the meme itself, you know what to do too.

As always, feel free to comment! I encourage and welcome comments and participation!

Tags: Monday's a Bitch, meme, bloghopping, friendship

Missing Friendship

Two nights ago I dreamt about N2. Well, it was sort of N2.

O.K. Let’s start with what I actually dreamt.

I dreamt that N2 contacted me via IMs, except for some reason I could hear her voice when she typed, like in one of those movie voice-overs. It was like everything was forgotten and forgiven. It reminded me of that one roommate I had in college who I used to argue with all of the time and we wouldn’t speak for days and suddenly China Beach would be on and everything would be fine again even though no one really ever said “I’m sorry.”

Anyway, so we were chatting and making up and things were good. In fact, things were great. In fact, things were better than they ever were.

In my dream, this repaired friendship with N2 was my ideal friendship — give and take, close, comfortable, the kind they make coffee and tea commercials about. That’s when I realized it was a dream.

I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days. The truth is that even before N2 and I stopped talking, the friendship was really stalled and dead. It’s just more evident now how alone I am now that I can’t even pretend I have N2. But it wasn’t just N2, it was Meg and PW too. Everyone moving on with their lives apart from me…and quite frankly I don’t want to spend this post analyzing Meg’s betrayal here but I think hers is a bit of intellectual snobbery.

And, O.K., I’m not easy to get close to. I’ve been burned and I tend to protect myself by throwing up barriers. Plus, I admit I’m an oddball. Not to mention, I don’t know anyone really in Maine and I just haven’t figured out how to meet new people yet outside of barhopping, which is so not me.

But I miss having a best friend. I’m really not sure it has to be a woman. I miss having someone to make snarky or amusing comments to about random things I see or hear throughout the day or week. I miss having someone to share the little stories of my life with — like Pugly being obsessed with my knitting or running with the scissors in his mouth — which I guess is only really funny if you know I managed to cut my own finger with scissors bad enough to go to the ER once at work and Red used to call me Runs With Scissors. I miss knowing about other people’s lives — really, I don’t think it’s healthy to be all that interested in all of those Snapped and CourtTV shows; I’m starting to see all of the Law & Order plots before they come on Law & Order. Not to mention, I miss going places with people and doing things with people.

I think that’s what that dream was all about.

As a side note, my mom out-of-the-blue recently suggested I start attending wine tastings, which I thought was odd since she knows I don’t drink wine. When I asked why, she said because it would be a good way to meet people. I didn’t answer, but here’s how my brain works (feel free to comment if you disagree): I could go to wine tastings to meet people who like to drink wine and befriend them but then I would either have to fess up that I don’t like wine at some point because it triggers my migraines or keep faking an interest which would start a friendship under false pretense, which doesn’t sound like a good way to start any kind of relationship.

Tags: friendship

Clean Sweeping Some Stressful People From My Life

So, I may be the red head, but N2 is the stuborn one.  She not only refuses to see my Point-of-view on anything ever, but she doesn’t want to work on our friendship.  She’s decided that my accusations are just too hurful and she doesn’t want to deal with me anymore.  She has instructed me not to IM or email her again.

SQ had me send her one last email saying “O.K. No Problem. ;)”.  I kid you not.

I was like, “You know that’s just going to piss her off.  I was just just not going to reply.”  But SQ wanted me to make sure I had closure I guess.  It was her idea to put the smilie face too.

It turns out that what SQ wasn’t telling me is that SQ hasn’t talked to N2 herself in months.  She didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to influence my outcome.  After the fact, she told me.

I was very upset about the way N2 treated me, how she didn’t even want to try to work on our friendship, which only proved that it wasn’t a friendship at all, which is what I was trying to say from the start and which she refused to understand.  Her twisted view of  what a friendship is and my view of what a friendship is, however, messed up my own version is, are no where near close.

Anyway, SQ told me afterwards that I’m not crazy, that N2 has done this to people before.  She has a history of it.

So…you know the old saying about just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you?  I was paranoid and for good reason.  I was right.

And as SQ pointed out, even if I had been 90% wrong, if N2 had really been my friend, she wouldn’t have treated me the way she did.

So, N2 is out of my life.

I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t hurt.  It never feels good when you let go of someone from your life who you were close to.  It might be the right thing to do and it might be the healthy thing to do, but that doesn’t mean there’s not an ache or a void and like I said, I was upset and crying last night for a while.  I’m a sensitive person and I’ve been under a lot of stress in other parts of my life lately.

But it’s like SQ says, eventually, it’ll be easier and I’ll probably realize that there’s been a weight lifted and probably this has only been adding stress to it all and things will just be better from here on out.  I know SQ means well, but she does have a husband and didn’t have to face the big loneliness while clean sweeping the stressful people from her life.

Anyway, well, N2 is connected with the only PBeM I’m still playing and that has been causing a lot of personal stress for me too.  It hasn’t been fun for me in a while either.  A lot of it is the people, mostly the moderators.  So, while I was at it, I sent an email to the head moderator and said I was leaving the game.  It was the fastest reply I ever got, which hurt my feelings for many reasons — I’ve been told repeatedly that she doesn’t have time to answer all of the game-related emails, etc. and she didn’t even bother to answer the email I sent her the day before that I wanted to take a hiatus and was considering leaving the game.

Then all she had to say was “sorry to hear and it’s for the best” with instructions on how to write out my characters since I’d kindly offered to write them out, unlike most players who just say, “bye” or disappear.  I had thanked her for giving me a place to play my characters and said I had enjoyed myself rather than write an essay on why I was leaving and tell her what I really thought about her and her favoritism moderating stuck up self.  Did I get a “thanks for playing with us” or “sorry to see you go” or “we’ll miss you” or “sure you don’t want to rethink staying?”  No.  No return kindness, not even phony return kindness.  Just instructions on how I can help her.

I really wanted to tell her to shove her game and the characters up her ass, but of course SQ was like “oh you don’t know, maybe she’s hurt.”.  She’s hurt?  I’m the one who was treated like an outsider and nitpicked by N2 for six months and isolated and she’s hurt?

I’m glad I’m getting away from the crazy people.  I don’t understand them.  I’m constantly supposed to be giving them the benefit of the doubt and act gracefully as I leave, but they can walk all over me and that’s o.k.

I’m thirty-five years old.  I want to stop reliving high-school.  When do we get to stop doing that?

Tags: dysfunctional drama, friendship, PBeM

E-Mail From The Rejected

Some or a lot of this post may not make sense to you, dear readers. That’s fine. It’s not really for you. It’s for me, for later.

SQ noted that N2 wasn’t included in a general email I sent to several people updating them on my health. I replied that N2 hadn’t responded to my email from Sunday so I assumed that she didn’t really care one way or the other which is why I hadn’t included her. SQ’s response was to inquire as to whether or not I was sure N2 had actually gotten the email where I indicated that we needed to talk because I felt she hadn’t been talking to me of late.

Originally I had told SQ that I didn’t want to drag her into this tiff like the one last Spring, but I’ve been feeling very depressed the last 24 hours and so here is my response:

Nope.

But the fact is that she hasn’t bothered to talk to me in a week. If she didn’t get the email, that proves that she doesn’t want to talk to me. If she did get the email, that proves that she doesn’t want to talk to me.

She’s been pulling away for some time. For the last few weeks the only time she’s talked to me was when I wasn’t posting regularly on [the PBeM] and then rather than say “could you post on [the PBeM]?”, she’d say “Hey, how are you feeling?” When I’d try and contact her and ask her how her
life was doing and how [her son] was and just general chit chat, *if* she answered at all, which she usually didn’t, it was a word or two and that was it. I kind of got the feeling that if I was online and not posting, she was holding that against me, but I just didn’t feel well and I’m sorry but being awake enough to be online and creative enough to post are two different things.

I don’t know. I just feel like this has been coming for ages. I don’t think [N2] is who I thought she was or maybe I’m not who she thought I was. I think we’ve grown apart.

It’s sad but looking back over the last six months, she hasn’t been very supportive when I’ve tried to talk to her about being sick, like she doesn’t believe me or something, and I just don’t think that kind of attitude is helpful or healthy for me. I get enough of that from my dad and his “suck it up” mentality.

I think I just didn’t realize what was happening. I’m usually socially clueless. I want to be everyone’s friend and I just keep trying and I don’t notice when I’m the only one trying. And maybe [N2] thinks she is trying. I guess I just feel like I’ve been tossed aside. I mean, we used to talk every day about everything, but now I don’t think I know anything that’s going on in her life and she isn’t willing to share. And sometimes I feel like it has everything to do with the games…like I’m not in the upper echelon of the gaming crew and therefore there’s no time for me anymore like I’m being pushed out.

I know this sounds stupid and silly but I feel like the unwanted, pathetic geek that no one wants anything to do with like back in high school all over again sometimes. I picture myself in those flashback scenes from “Never Been Kissed” as Josie. That was pretty much me. That’s the kind of rejected pain I feel. I know it’s ridiculous to feel that kind of pain over a game all these years later, but that is exactly what the “cliques” in the gaming circles remind me of sometimes — high school. It takes me right back. Which is why I’m thinking about just getting out all together. I’d miss the actual gaming part, but the high school spaz part I wouldn’t. Trying to find people to post with me. Trying to find people to participate in my storylines. Feeling like there are favorites and cliques. Feeling like an outsider. Feeling like it’s never really my time to shine.

Well, I think maybe I have said a lot more than I really meant to say when I started. The fact is that [N2] hasn’t bothered to talk to me either way so it doesn’t matter and I’ve been keeping up with posting so she hasn’t had to ask me about my health. But I didn’t want to drag you into things.  I’m very sad about what’s happening and very hurt and a little angry but part of me is very accepting. It’s just a reminder that I need to get out more and meet more people.

Tags: dysfunctional drama, friendship, PBeMs, rejection

There Should Be A Match.com For Friends

No, like a serious type website matching serious for people who are looking for other people to do friend-type stuff with.  I’m not talking about like friendster.  I looked around that website a couple of times and that was kind of scary in a potential stalker kind of way.  Friendster really seemed to be about people just trying to hook up casually — like bar-hopping on the net.

No, what I mean is that there should be something like eHarmony for matching people up for friendship or at least finding the perfect movie or dining companion.  You know, you don’t have to find someone the opposite sex, just someone with the right personality who won’t steal your Twizzlers or doesn’t care if you make snarky remarks in the previews. There should be a way to find someone who’s looking for a non-romantic person to go on dog walks with or to go shopping in outlet malls and lie about whether or not that cute pair of pants makes my ass look fat.

I admit I’d even be willing to pay a fee.  I’m that pathetic.  If I could find a few real freinds in my local area.

Tags: friendship

Losing Friends

It’s always hard for me to accept that the people I think are my friends aren’t always. I always want to believe that my natural paranoia is tainting my view and so my judgement must be wrong. Therefore, I’m always willing to take so much more crap and believe so many more excuses than maybe other people are. I’m certainly willing to keep trying and trying like a puppy dog who doesn’t know any better long after just because the other person doesn’t have the guts to say that for whatever personal reason, they aren’t interested in being my friend anymore.

What I mean is that for some reason people are not direct with me. They’d rather ignore me and avoid me than tell me to go away. And I am too clueless to get the hint.

More

Tags: dysfunctional friendships

Update On Last Week’s “Crisis”

I know I’ve been quiet a couple of days.  The truth is that there’s been some more arguing on the phone and in IMs and a couple of emails.  Mostly it’s been one-sided so-called “Tough Love” coming from N2; at least that’s what she calls it.

I feel kind of beat up and sore and raw right now.  It’s all been rather eye-openning.

Imagine finding out that the things your most afraid your friends will think about you are actually the things they think about you.  But they “love you anyway” or they wouldn’t be talking to you about it.  Quite frankly, I wouldn’t love me if I were all those horrible things she said I was.

And trust me, one of the things she said to me came very close to being on the list of things I might not have spoken to someone again for.  Right under the one PW used on me before we didn’t speak for 3 years.

And she said all these horrible things, but I’m “not a bad person.”  I’m just too negative and I make things too difficult for myself and I’m not reliable (because of my depression — though she refuses to accept that as a reason).

This is the one that I struggled with her on.  She said that I refuse to accept responsibility for anything being my fault, but when I accept responsibility for things being my fault, she doesn’t seem to hear that.  She says I blame everyone but myself.  When I try to explain the situation, I’m making excuses.  She doesn’t understand that someone can have an explanation and still know they are at fault and not be trying to excuse themselves from blame.  So therefore because I try to analyze everything to explain why things happened, I ‘m making excuses and therefore blaming everyone but myself.

When I tried to explain to her that I am a self-blamer for everything in the world, she didn’t buy it.  When I told her that I assume I’m always at fault and that one of my big issues is that I’m a failure and that I’ve disappointed my parents, I suddenly got the huge laundry list of how she failed her parents and how I couldn’t possibly be a bigger failure.  Like it’s some competition.  I didn’t even know how I was supposed to respond.  I mean, I was trying to point out that I always assume I’m at fault and that I’ve done something wrong and suddenly I can’t possibly have screwed up more than her?  How does that fit in?

And even stranger, one of the other people involved in the little Pow-wow that started all of this nonsense to begin with told me Thursday night that no one is 100% blameless in this — meaning everyone has to share the blame, all of us, right?  Not just me.  I’d really like to shove that down N2’s Tough Love spouting throat right about now.

Oh and the real kicker was being told that I’ve screwed up so bad that I’m going to have to “prove myself to them” all over again with these PBeMs.  Quite frankly I don’t know that I care enough to want to “prove myself” to anyone, particularly them.  I told N2 that I felt like they were going to need to prove themselves to me because right now I didn’t think they could be trusted again and as much as they say they’ve changed since the game we were in together last summer, I haven’t seen it.  So it’s not fair for them to insist that they’ve changed and tell me I can’t use that as an example to not trust them when they’re using stuff from last year to hold over my head now.  People change and I’ve been changing over the last month and if they can’t see that, then that’s their problem.

I finally did force her to listen to me talk about my Cognitive Therapy.  I was really getting pissed off.  She was just like my dad; she kept going on about how I dwell too much on things and how I need to just not think about things and I kept telling her that I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder and it’s not something I can just control; it’s a chemical imbalance.  I told her that I’ve been trying to tell her about my therapy group/classes for a month because that’s what it’s about — teaching me how to retrain my brain to deal with those kinds of thoughts and situations.  (I wish that we’d finished the class before I’d had to deal with last week. )  I kind of think she finally got it, I hope.  I explained that while normal people may be able to just make that decision not to think or dwell on something, I actually have to go through a process and I’m not done learning that process yet, which is why I’ve been trying to talk to her about it because I wanted to show her that I was in recovery and making important moves in my life to get well so that we wouldn’t continue to have the kind of issues we’ve had in the past.

Anyway, so I’m going to work on the being too negative thing….though I wish I knew if Janeane  Garofalo’s friends complain about her being too negative.  (Although to balance it out, apparantly I’m damned funny when I want to be…thing is I think being negative and funny are the same thing…)

Anyway, when I started this post I really didn’t mean to write all of this because I didn’t feel I was ready to share.  I hope it didn’t come off as blame-y or negative.  It’s going to take some time for me to heal emotionally from this, but it’s been a good reminder that I really need to make new friends, preferably ones with little need for drama.

(Also, I had a migraine from Wednesday until last night that finally went away.  Yay.  Obviously the trigger was stress and crying.)

Tags: friendship, dysfunctional drama, wellness, depression, anxiety

Perspective

To: N2
From: N

Could you at least acknowledge either way that you’re at least getting these emails, that you’re alive, etc? Tell me to shut up and go away if that’s what you want but don’t leave me just sitting here wondering what’s going on.

Talk to me.

To: N
From: N2

Talk to you? About what? Your very unfair and kind of insulting temper tantrum on me yesterday?

We’re still friends, don’t worry.. but I need to cool down still…so give me some time.

To: N2
From: N

I’ll give you time, yes, but please take into account this perspective (as [SQ] would point out), your email to me from my perspective was very unfair and insulting and indicatated that you not only didn’t listen to anything I said the day before but you assumed I lied to you and you didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt….after you appeared to have stopped talking to me sometime the day before when I way trying to work out what was wrong.

[N2], I’ve been crying for 2 days and not about the game, but because I feel like you turned your back on me and shut me out and you’re my best friend and I can’t figure out what went wrong, which is why I think we need to talk on the phone. Maybe tonight rather than let this fester through obvious perspectives of emails.

To: N
From: N2

Did you not read [GM bitch]’s original email to you? She specifically said that I thought you should keep Willow and that it was her making the decision to remove Willow from you.

I did listen to everything you said and I took it all into account. You have not lost me as a friend, not one bit. I’m not even mad; just frustrated and irritated mostly that you found blame with everything but yourself and that you exaggerated on certain things to make it seem that you were that much more innocent and everyone else was that much worse. That happens to be a pet peeve of mine and I don’t take it from anyone, including my friends.

Yesterday, yes. I’ll admit I assumed you lied. It was a very, very -pat- coincidence that you started posting so much after [GM bitch] sent that email (which was cc’d to [SQ] and I and we both received it immediately after she sent it); the second thing was my first email to you yesterday morning, asking if you’d gotten it… and I got back one, single solitary word. “No.” Which is out of character for you. The third was that you found it… after I sent you an email about it…. you had to admit that when it’s laid out like that, it sounds quite planned.

Talking on the phone is fine and tonight is fine.. if I don’t hit the movies. [My son]’s at [my friend]’s.

To: N2
From: N

First, I don’t lie to my friends and I don’t appreciate being called a liar by my friends who should know better. That is a pet peeve of mine.

Second, I had appologized the day before about the conversation on Tuesday night and had taken responsibility. However, it appears that it doesn’t matter how many times I appologize.

On Wednesday morning I specifically told you that I would be either posting for all of my characters before bed or before work from then on. I have been trying to explain to you since last week about setting up lists and schedules and how important that is to my recovery and it’s been increasingly frustrating to me that you don’t seem to be either interested
or don’t seem to remember.
I replied “no” because I was mad that I had tried to talk to you about the fact that you were brushing me off the day before and you weren’t responding AND I had not in fact gotten anything from [GM bitch].

I have a separate beef with [GM bitch] now which I now understand is a separate thing and quite frankly I haven’t decided what to do about it. However, after receiving her email which I didn’t get until after I got to work yesterday and which I still feel was unfairly handled, I was quite upset and read your email that accused me of lying and it sent me over the edge.

Anyway, I’ll be home all night. I might even leave early.

To: GM bitch
CC: N2, SQ
From: N

In the future, I would prefer if you have an issue you would like to dissuss with me about a game, do not ask [N2] or [SQ] to approach me on the subject; I would prefer to discuss it with you personally if possible. I just feel that it adds complexities that need not be added to such situations.

I’ve requested similar before I know, but I would like to reiterrate this now since it appears to have become a problem again.

Thank you.

Tags: friendship, dysfunctional drama, PBeM

Pensieve

I’d like to say TGIF but quite frankly the day of the week means nothing to me. The weekend may be more time alone at home to sulk and stare at an empty inbox or an unrining telephone or an IM-less Y!M.

OK for about seven hours Sunny and Queer Eye will be there to distract me a little tomorrow but then it’ll be just me and the kitties and my runaway thoughts again.

I talked to SQ last night from about 11:30pm to about 1:30 (she’s on the West Coast, you know). She could tell I was distressed and didn’t want to let another day go by without trying to talk to me about another perspective and offer some suggestions on handling the “situation.”

The “situation” goes back to that earlier post about the PBeM issue but it goes back further than that and it doesn’t and it’s about other issues and it’s really about being angry at one person and what she did in specific and hurt by what N2 did or didn’t do or isn’t doing or may be acting and they’re kind of separate but they’re entertwined and to tell it my brain kind of goes off on tangents. At least I’ve figured out that I’ve been crying since Wednesday night but the tears are for N2 and not for the stupid game or the way that the GM bitch handled things. But I believe I deserve an appology by both of them.

So, anyway, SQ pointed out something I already knew. When your brain is running in place over the same track, it sometimes help to write it down so your brain can take a break, knowing it’s been put somewhere for save keeping. Well, I’m going to try. I appologize if this doesn’t make sense.

Last year, during my depressive episode, right around Hurricane Katrina, GM bitch and SQ first approached me about playing Willow in a Buffy/Angel PBeM. Normally I don’t play cannon characters as I don’t feel comfortable taking on already created characters but I was somewhat interested. However, between my depression and the Survival Guilt of Katrina, I decided not to join. I decided I couldn’t commit to the game at the time. A month or two later, they came back again as the girl they’d gotten to play Willow was a “nut job” and I had to come and save them. Reluctantly, I came to play but admittely I felt a little thrown into the wolves and unsure of myself.

Not to worry, I quickly discovered that GM bitch had plans for everything and she was constantly IMing me and sending me emails with instructions with what to do with Willow’s character. The one time I was actually doing something with Willow on my own, I was told to drop what she was doing and go do something else — when I complained about this last night, I was told by SQ that I should have spoken up then and therefore it’s my fault; I didn’t know I had a voice, but oh, well.

Anyway, like I said in the previous post, I kind of dropped the ball with the game. There was a four post per week minimum in “active” threads. I did find this difficult as one of the players I was in a scene with almost never posts more than once or twice a week herself if that, which has always been one of my pet peeves with her in other games. Then SQ moved all of our characters into another scene filled with other characters, lots of other characters and it was total chaos and it was, to me, impossible to figure out who was talking to who and where exactly everyone was standing. Not everyone was including such information in their “required” header information.

So,GM bitch sent an email to the game’s discussion list telling me to have Willow leave the new character she’d just brought with another character named Trysta and go look for Giles. So, I sent an email to the discussion list asking where Trysta was, if Trysta and Willow knew each other and if Trysta would mind telepathic contact.

That above email is the one that triggered everything supposedly. I was told that I was posting too many emails asking for help about being lost. (Mind you out of the 1099 posts on the discussion list since I’d joined in October I’d posted 44 total and only one asked a question about where anyone was, etc.) Anyway, that’s when suddenly N2 needed to “talk” to me.

O.K. Well, if you go read the other post, you know that sometime on Wednesday, N2 just plain stopped speaking to me. Certainly before that she wasn’t listening to anything I was telling her. I know specifically that I’d mapped out for her how I was going to be answering PBeM posts on a schedule of 30 min before bed or 30 min before work from then on. She obviously didn’t pay attention to this as you will see…and this was one of the first things I said in my initial appology to her on Wednesday.

When I got done working with Sunny Wednesday night, she still hadn’t answered any of my emails. I tried IMing her but she was very monosyllbic and cold. You know, you can always tell when someone doesn’t want to talk to you. You just know. So I said good night.

But I wrote another email and told her that I was very worried about our friendship, that whatever was up with the games, they were just games and that our friendship was certainly more important than that. I honestly told her that I was very depressed and hurt and that I needed her friendship and I wanted to fix whatever it was that had gone wrong.

I’ve never received a response.

I started crying that night. I cried most of yesterday.

True to my word, when I got up yesterday, I answered all open tags for my PBeM characters and then went to work. When I got to work there was an email from N2 asking me if I’d gotten “the email from GM bitch”. I replied “no”.

I got GM bitch’s email right after. (Please note that the time stamp said she’d mailed it from Austrailia on Wednesday at about 3:30pm)

It was a long unpleasant (in my opinion) email that basically said that N2 had “gone to bat” for me but GM bitch had made the decision to take away Willow from me. However, they didn’t want me to quit either game (I also play in her Firefly game) so I could make up a non-cannon character if I wanted.

Well, I was pissed off. I mean, why come to me on Tuesday night and tell me that I play a great Willow and that they don’t want me to quit playing Willow but thay they’re worried that I can’t keep up with the upcoming storyarc so they need to know if I can commit to it, let me commit to it and begin posting and then take the character away? What a friggin’ bitch?!

It felt like I was just starting to pull myself up out of the hole and she stepped on my fingers and kicked me in the stomach. Don’t make an offer you aren’t willing to go through with. And certainly don’t offer me a concolation prize. I only was in the game to play Willow. Fuck that! Which they begged me to do!
And this morning I realized why it really and truly upset me. It’s the associated memory. The rejection. The being fired. I know SQ kept saying that I wasn’t run out of the game because I had an option, but it wasn’t really an option to me. Why would I have stayed, really? It’d be like staying at a job after you’ve been demoted.
So, I quit the Buffy game.

Do I regret it. A little but only in that I feel like they should apologize and offer the character back, which they won’t. As SQ says, it’s a done deal.

So, GM bitch is at the top of my hate list right now which is kind of hard because I don’t want to have anything to do with her and the only game I have left is her other game and quite frankly I don’t trust her and despite what SQ says I do think she hunts for dysfunctional drama and it wouldn’t suprise me if she had a little chat room set up last night to talk bad about me and my little meltdown as I left the Buffy game.

What really pisses me off about her is that she always assumes the worst about me. She thinks I’m too negative and assumes that I mean something seriously when I’m joking and has accused me of such and told me to use Smileys when I’m being funny but then doesn’t believe the Smileys either.

Personally, she’s made this whole PBeM experience rather miserable. If it stays this way, maybe it’s time to finally leave roleplaying all together.

O.K. so back to N2.

After I wrote a nasty note to GM Bitch quiting her game and thanking her from always knowing when to kick me when I’m trying to pull myself up, I got N2’s response to my email that I hadn’t gotten “the email from the GM bitch”.

You didn’t… but now you’re posting like mad… cowinkydink?
You no longer have Willow, hon.
[N2]

Well, this kind of pissed me off.

I got [GM bitch]’s post after I got your email, after I had spent my morning
posting my posts like I told you I would do yesterday — post before work.
This is such bullshit.

It doesn’t matter. I’m quiting Buffy. I might quit the other game too.

Thanks so much to all of you for kicking me in the stomach while I was
trying to pull myself up. You know what, I really needed some
understanding this week and I really needed my friends and I was really
trying to pull myself out of and sort things out the last few weeks but I
don’t need all this shit from people who are supposed to be my friends.

You people obviously live on this drama. I did what I was supposed to do.
I posted my characters more than once this week and then I get this email
taking my character away. Bullshit.

I never received a response.

Last night my Y!M status message was “trust no one,” which SQ made me change. It now says, “It sucks to be Frodo.”

I feel betrayed by N2. I feel like she wasn’t there for me as a friend when I needed her. I feel like she repeatedly hasn’t been listening to me talk about my therapy and my treatment and my plans to get better and I’m hurt, particularly since she also suffers from depression. I resent that she judged me and told me that 20% of my problem is me and that she thinks I’ve gotten worse and that my meds aren’t working and then turned her back on me when my life went into crisis mode. I am hurt that our friendship is intermingled in this mess.

I have expressed in the past a dislike of having GM bitch send N2 to do her dirty work. This is why. If this gets fixed, I think I’m going to have to be more aggressive in explaining that in the future, either GM bitch comes to me or she sends someone else.

SQ tried to point out that N2 and I are alike in many ways, one of which is an aversion to conflict. It’s possible that once GM bitch made her decision on Wednesday, N2 just stopped communicating with me because she was afraid. Still, that hurts me too.

Anyway, this morning I sent one last olive branch to N2, an email telling her that I’d like to talk on the phone this weekend to straighten this out. There’s no reason that a stupid game should screw up our friendship. However I told her that the ball is in her court.

I have had no response.

Tags: PBeM, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, friendship, dysfunctional drama

Promises & Friendships

Well, I made two promises last night.  It looks like I can only keep one.

I promised PW that I would march down to the bridal shop and order my bridesmaid dress this morning as apparently she was a little miffed and stressed about the whole thing.  Apparently brides don’t like it if you put that off.  Procrastination is not the bridesmaid’s friend.  Well, it turns out that the bridal shop is not open on Mondays.  They also have a sign that says they are by appointment only.  Plus, they don’t have an answering service.  You have to call between the hours of 10am and 4pm Tuesday through Friday.  Like I’m going to be able to remember that.

She is going to be so pissed off at me.

So I’ve got to make a big sign or something that forces me to call at 10:01am tomorrow morning.

Oy.

The other promise I made, I made to myself and I managed to keep it, though I kind of got stressed out doing so.  Yesterday I blew a gasket realizing that I’m hopeless as far as getting anywhere with my house on my own.  So I promised myself to call around today.  It’s frustrating because have you ever googled “personal organizer”?  By the way, I tried calling Merry Maids as my first choice but they told me that they could not help me.  It’s horrible to be rejected by Merry Maids as too big a job.  So, finally I found a personal organizer in my area and I agonized over calling her for a bit.  She’s not cheap either, but I finally called her and explained my personal situation and I talked to her a bit and I really liked her.  She’s got a sunny personality on the phone.   She sounded understanding and she sounded like she knew exactly what I was looking for — not someone to do the task for me but someone to work with me and help me figure out how to organize along the way so I’ll be able to maintain it later.  She was pleased to hear that I want to purge too — though I think we might have a fight when it comes to the clothes closet.

Anyway, it might take a good part of my savings but I think this is a positive move on my part.

The interesting coincidence is that as I was driving to work, I was thinking that PW was always the kind of friend who I could be myself around and never be ashamed to show how low I’d gone in my depressive states and she’d come over and help me clean up and she’d put on that annoying, loud pop music and roll up her sleeves and sing brightly and chat and we’d work together and it’d be done in no time and then I’d either cook us up something or I’d buy us dinner and we’d veg or something.  Mind you, I’d done the same for her.  We understood each other.  It’s a rare friend you aren’t ashamed to show even your lowest moments to and who’s willing to roll up their sleeves and help you out.

O.K. 10:01am.  It’s in my Palm Pilot.  I’ve got stickies all over.

Tags: wedding, personal organizer, friendship, depression

More Wedding News

Peter and Meg have set the date for June 30th. If I understand their plan, they are using their honeymoon as an excuse to go to PW’s wedding in England. Meg indicated that it was the only way they could afford to go to PW’s wedding and get married this year as well.

Unfortunately, because I’ve already bought my tickets to leave for London on June 23rd, I won’t be able to go to both weddings. However, I’ll probably be able to do some sightseeing with them in London. Meg indicated that they planned to spend a few days alone but suggested joint sightseeing, which I’m glad for. I don’t know that I’d want to be the third wheel on a honeymoon. As it is, I’m considering staying in a hotel my last two nights in London to give PW and English some time alone after their wedding and in case they actually go out of town for a honeymoon.

I’m a little worried about El being in London for PW’s wedding. Meg indicated that she’d probably go and I’ve always said that I doubted she’d waste this excuse to go to London, but I also remember how she was at the last wedding. Granted she was much more likely to mood swing back then and she was having some sort of personal crisis about her fiance. However, she also tried to put the moves on the groom and also had some sort of drama moment at the reception about how she was never getting married and how we all pittied her. I’m a little worried that two weddings of friends so close together might send her over the edge — particularly since PW is marrying a rich Brit which is about 2/3rds of what El would like in a man.

You know, being away from home is going to be stressful enough. I really don’t want to be drenched in the old drama. Oy.

Tags: wedding, England, London, friendship

Always A Bridesmaid…

Well. It’s happened. Again.

I am a bridesmaid, possible the maid of honor.

I swore up and down that there was no way I was going to be in PW’s wedding, especially since I live on a separate continent and there’s no way I can pop over there for dress-fittings, shower plannings, etc.

I was heavily involved in her first wedding. I helped pick out the decorations. I helped decorate. I went dress shopping with her. I helped plan. Blah blah blah.

And honestly, as much as I wanted to be happy for her, even as Maid of Honor, I really didn’t think they should get married. I thought he was too young to get married. I thought he was a big kid. I was fairly sure that he didn’t want to have any children though he told her he did — I turned out to be right on that one.

Anyway, I figured that she’d used up her bridesmaid credits with that wedding.

My father has been telling me for a month that he thought it was very unlikely that I would be allowed to stay at their house for so long and not be expected to be part of the wedding. I told him that’s just how this circle of friends are. If someone was coming up to Maine and needed a sofa to stay on, it’d be theres. Same with my friend in Atlanta and my friends back in New Orleans. That’s just how we are. Su casa es mi casa, si?

Anyway, when she asked last night if I would be interested in being a bridesmaid, I realized that there were so many reasons why I couldn’t say “no.” If we go beyond the whole polite thing and the whole thing where I’m staying at her house for about 2 weeks, there’s the simple fact that since 1993, we have been friends for the most part. We’ve had some serious long-term fallings outs, but here it is, 13 years later and we are friends again.

And I’m not sure if anyone else from the States will be going. Maybe El — I can’t imagine she’d pass up this excuse to go to London, the Anglophile that she is. Since PW hasn’t got any real family, I think there should be someone there for her that represents the life she’s leaving behind, a link to her past to share in her new happiness.

So, I’m a bridesmaid…and I’m guessing I can’t wear the same dress I wore to her last wedding.

Tags: wedding, friendship

I Know What You’re Going To Say…

Well, it looks like probably in the next month or two, PW will be coming to stay for a few months. She thinks she’s burned her bridges with El’s family plus El’s sister and three nephews are due to move in once they can reclaim the house in Jefferson Parish. PW & El’s apartment will not be livable any time soon, but once Orleans Parish opens, PW and El’s entorage will have to go to the apartment to salvage what they can.

Once that’s done, while Associated Grocer’s is finding employment for displaced Associated Grocer’s customer’s employees and she’s likely to be able to find work, she’s concerned she won’t be able to find housing by then.

So, I offered my futon though it’s 1700 miles away.

It looks like she might take me up on it.

I know what you’re thinking…those of you who’ve followed me from Strategically Bent know that PW and I have a seriously bad history. We lived together for a year and a half ten years ago and it did not end well. Toward the end, it was all fighting all the time. I was miserable. I was angry.

Over the years, we’ve had huge fights and periods of not speaking but we’ve always been there for each other in times of crisis and I don’t consider this time any different. Yes, she’s tempermental and full of mood swings, but I’ve learned to distance myself from the drama, haven’t I? I can’t turn her away in her time of need. I’d do it for any of my friends, if they needed it, and I believe that any of them would do it for me.

My only real concern is that it will be easy to slip back into old bad habits, where we treat each other like the entertainment crew. I’m a little worried that having her here will make it even easier not to get involved in life here in Maine. I have to just lay down the rules. I will have my art class and my group therapy and possibly an RPG down in MA every other week.

And who knows? Maybe having someone else here will actually help me get out and try new things.

Hopefully, now that we’re in our thirties, we’ve grown up and grown out of old bad habits.

Tags: Hurricane Katrina, dysfunctional drama, friendship

What Makes a True Friend?

David Peralty asks the question “What makes a true friend?” and I started to comment there, but then I realized my answer was bigger than a comment.

This is something I’ve seriously explored over the last 18 months or so, mostly because I thought I knew who my true friends were time and time again and was more than often surprised by the truth.

So, here goes…

• A true friend is someone who cares about you even though you haven’t spoken in years due to a dramatic rift.
• A true friend makes time for you in your time of need, no matter what’s going on in their own life.
• A true friend sticks with you through the happy or the sad.
• A true friend goes out of their way to make you feel better when you’re down.
• A true friend helps you pack and move…multiple times.
• A true friend helps you unpack…or at least keeps you company.
• A true friend calls you just to say hi even after you’ve moved 1700 miles away.
• A true friend remembers your birthday, even if it’s the wrong day.
• A true friend gives as much as they take, even if the balance isn’t always equal — sometimes it’s more give and sometimes it’s more take.
• A true friend will talk politics with you without getting angry if you don’t agree.
• A true friend respects your opinion even when you don’t agree.

Most importantly, a true friend isn’t always a true friend…sometimes people are truer than other times. Some people drift in and out of your life and sometimes they surprise you and sometimes they disappoint you and sometimes they’re everything you’ve come to expect.

People change as life goes on. They grow together and apart with many people. Some people become a ghost you wonder about from time to time and some are the ones you pick up the phone and call just for the heck of it despite not speaking in months.

Tags: friendship

Good News For PW Leaves Me As 3rd or 5th Wheel

Well, I’m happy to announce that PW has a new boyfriend. The sad part for her is that he lives in England and will from now on be refered to here as English. They met years ago online and have been friends for some time, but after his second visit, the chemistry was quite evidence and he sent her flowers and candy for her birthday — which of her friends was really only remembered by me; not even her roommate El remembered it. Anyway, they hooked up on this last trip and to here her talk it’s all heavenly. New couples are always so cute.

She swore she wouldn’t do the long distance thing again but here she is. You can’t always pick where and when and who you fall for. I can tell she’s worried I won’t like him; as you know, her last boyfriend turned husband was never one of my favorite people and I had warned her about him and this had caused problems. However, this new guy is older than her, has a really well-paying job, is a family guy, and likes to do more than just play on the computer. She says that he likes to talk about a lot of things including politics, which sounds great by me. Actually if she likes to talk politics with him then I probably will too as I find her to be very open-minded politically and we agree on many points and I doubt she would say such a thing if he were more like BJ and Peter, both of which get angry if you don’t agree with them.

Anyway, I have been planning a vacation with PW, El, El’s mom and possibly El’s boyfriend. I’ve travelled with all of them before and kind of know what to expect. I was planning on relying on PW to be the sane person in the group but since her boyfriend is now coming, I will likely be stuck in a room with the crazy fighting people. :plain: PW reluctantly offered to share their room with me but I wouldn’t take her up on that — new couple in a long distance relationship is not an experience I want up close. After all, I’ve already done that with her once.

Ah, well. I’m happy for her and I believe some other friends I have may be going so hopefully I’ll have an escape. Now if I can just get El to make some decisions about the hotel and length of stay so I can finalize my plans.

Tags: friendship

Discovering Who Your Real Friends Are…Priceless

Well, I’m not sure what to think about this or really even if I should waste my time thinking about it.

*sigh*

A little backstory would help I guess.

About 5 years or so ago, I moved from one end of my apartment complex to another to get some more quiet and some more space. It was a nightmare. I think moving within the same place is totally worse than moving across town and you think it’s going to be easy. Anyway, there were about ten people helping me that day, including my parents. It was a Good Friday and I’d asked for help lots of time ahead. (I don’t recall if Peter was there that day. I know Meg wasn’t. I do recall that the last few times that PW and/or El moved, neither was available to help.) Well, after it was all said and done, I took everyone who helped to Cici’s Pizza (which is a relatively inexpensive place to go). Mind you cost did play a factor in my logic for picking the place, but I also realized that the guys would appreciate all you can eat pizza after a hard, hot day of laboring.

Flash forward to two summers ago when Meg moved to North Louisiana. She asked for help. I helped her pack. I helped Peter and Peter’s Dad load the truck. Meg did directing and clean up. I drove with them up to the new town the next morning after letting Meg stay at my house. I helped with some unloading but mostly unpacked Meg’s kitchen (which she later re-organized) and Meg mostly seemed to be directing Peter and Peter’s dad.

Flash forward to when I am moving to Maine and Peter is moving out of his childhood home and into an apartment with his soon-to-be bachelor dad, I offered to help Peter — lots of people offered to help Peter, but Peter wanted to do it himself and took a month to slowly move. PW helped me pack. Meg offered to help me pack one weekend but it was the weekend after I lost the Alabama job and I wasn’t packing then. I came to Maine and my parents went to New Orleans and with BJ’s help, loaded the van, which I would have done, had I been there.

Some months later, PW and El moved into their apartment together and again neither Peter nor Meg helped or even really offered to…though I believe BJ and 2Cool did.

So now it’s almost a year later and Meg is moving back to New Orleans and fast. She and Peter ask for volunteers. Peter and his dad load the van in the other town and the next day, PW, BJ, and 2Cool help them unload the van.

(I got this information from PW so it’s possibly scewed.)

I am told that the apartment is tiny and expensive. It’s in New Orleans because Meg won’t live in Metairie and Peter thinks it’s too dangerous to live in New Orleans so they had to get a high security place on the sixth floor in a building that is partially an assisted living building. The parking, I’m told, is horrible and there’s no wheelchair ramp in the lobby for El and it’s “a long walk”.

But back to the story. So PW says that Meg stood around in the apartment directing everyone while they unloaded the truck and that Peter tried to do the same thing downstairs at the truck but his dad made him help. Mind you, they haven’t moved Peter yet. He is going to move himself again and take a month to do it. PW thinks he just doesn’t trust them to touch his stuff. She also thought it was weird that it’s a two bedroom and they kept calling one of the rooms “Peter’s room.”

Afterwards, Meg and Peter took everyone to Applebee’s for dinner and PW said it would have been an o.k. day except all of a sudden, Meg said, “Well, we thought y’all were such good workers that you deserved better than Cici’s.”

When PW first said it, it didn’t bother me. Actually I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about it but it apparently upset PW. She felt that Meg was insulting me when I wasn’t there and PW also felt like she would have taken people to Cici’s too or ordered pizza as a thank you as she doesn’t have a lot of money to spare. PW seemed to take the whole thing very personally.

PW said BJ and 2Cool immediately piped up and said they liked Cici’s. Heh. Guys always love a buffet.

My first thought was to give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe she was digging at Peter as maybe that’s where he wanted to take them and she poo-pooed the thought as she doesn’t like Cici’s and I suspect she is a bit of a food snob.

*shrug*

I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Peter and Meg and I haven’t been that close in the last year. In fact, I didn’t get a thank you email or anything for their belated but hand-made stained glass snowflake that I sent for Christmas. Granted, maybe Peter still reads here and knows that I wasn’t planning on gifting them because of the chasm between us and maybe he told Meg. I don’t know. I feel a little insulted because I spent some serious money on the materials for the snowflake and time too but then I wasn’t expecting a gift from them and hadn’t gotten them one before Christmas…oh, what a tangled web.

And probably PW shouldn’t have told me what Meg said in the first place.

But once again, I feel like this whole experience has taught me who my real friends are.

Tags: dysfunctional drama, friendship

Where Did The Last 10 Years Go?

I was talking to a friend the other night and it seems like yesterday it was ten years ago. Heck, it doesn’t even seem like 9/11 was three whole years ago.

On my desk I have two photos. One was taken 10 years ago at my 24th birthday and one was taken 3 years ago (shortly before 9/11) at my ex-boyfriend’s wedding. The circle of friends is a little different in each photo.

Of the eight people in the original picture, four have been married, one had a broken engagement, one is now engaged, and one is divorced already. At the time the photo had been taken, I had dated and broken up with Peter (who is in the photo) and was a day away from my first date with JB (who is also in the photo). I had even sort of dated another friend in that photo as well as his brother but it’s not so important now.

In the picture from three years ago, there are seventeen people (two of the original eight are MIA, including the sort-of-dated friend and the guy who is now El’s boyfriend). This seems to be the last group photo taken before all of the big break-ups and divorces and departures from our homehown. Only 10 of the 17 people still live there. Well, really, by that point not everyone in the photo was living there but we were still close enough that we were getting together for big events like weddings. At the time of the photo, five were married (two pairs to each other), one couple was engaged, and BJ and I had just broken up. All of JB’s ex-girlfriends were present as well as his wife. One married couple has since divorced, the engaged couple split, and Peter and Meg have gotten engaged. In fact, only one person in the picture has procreated — he and his wife are on child number three and she was pregnant with the first when the photo was taken which is why she was absent to begin with.

It may have been the last time we were all together and even in fancy duds.

It seems like life has taken us all down different roads and yet it still seems like it was only a blink ago. It seems like only yesterday we were that young and life was that simple. It hardly feels real now. So much of it seems like a dream.

I remember when time used to crawl painfully by and now it seems to be spilling wildly past me like a raging river. I’m afraid I’ll blink and another 10 years will be lost. What stories will the next photos tell?

Tags: friendship

Surprises

Well, here I was writing some negative things about my friendship with Peter and Meg and there they were on their vacation in Disney World getting engaged and thinking of me.

Yesterday I received a small package from Peter. I am currently assuming it’s actually from both of them but there was no note and no wrapping paper, which is typical of Peter. The box was obviously from Disney and inside were a Disney collectable pin of Piglet and a crystal Piglet on a gold irredescent base which makes the Piglet kind of prism.

I really almost started crying at the thoughtfulness of the gift — Piglet is my favorite Winnie the Pooh character and he’s my achor for weight loss though that’s hard to explain. However, both of them know that and it really was an incredibly thoughtful thing to do.

I hadn’t actually bought something for them because we seem to have grown apart and so now I’m sitting here trying to think of something to get them that they can share and both like. They don’t currently live together but PW said Meg was moving back to New Orleans to live with her father in February and then later would move in with Peter, obviously since they are now engaged. I’d like to get them something for the new home but most of the stuff I thought about I think she would like but Peter wouldn’t care less about froo-froo decoration stuff. So, I don’t know. Since I’m probably going to be shopping in Freeport on Monday, I’ll keep an eye out for something that screams their name. (I do think that once couples start giving gifts as a pair, then they should receive gifts that way too. It’s only fair.)

So, I’m feeling a little confused and guilty and nostalgic.

***Oh, and as a side note, I received an email from BJ on Monday appologizing for his being a bit unsocial on the phone when I called the party. He said he wasn’t feeling well and it was hard to hear me with all the racket on his end and he was also upset about some family thing from earlier in the day.

I haven’t replied, though I should, but I’m feeling kind of paranoid as I wonder if he read my journal again. Not that I care really. I mean, he and Peter were both warned that this is my space and they have no right to be hurt by things I say here if they make the choice to read here. This isn’t their journal and it’s never been written for their entertainment or to give them insight into my inner workings. Heh.

***By the way, I think PW was wrapping my presents from El on Monday night while I was on the phone with her. El asked her to wrap some presents and shortly after there were questions about whether or not I liked Cafe DuMonde coffee and then there was an admission that PW didn’t have the money to get a gift for me right now but she planned to later and also during the Christmas party phone call El told me that they were sending me a box but it wouldn’t get here before Christmas.

PW also told me a funny story that last year El’s mom had her wrap her own presents only she didn’t know they were for her. She thought they were for El.

Funny stuff.

Oh, and KH borrowed my “Gifts in a Jar” books…you’ll never guess what she gave me for Christmas… :hehe:

Tags: friendship

Owing BJ

Both of my parents said that I really owe BJ. They said it multiple times. Since they were there and I wasn’t, I guess I need to really take their word for it, though I was already feeling quite appreciative that he was helping my parents and JE load the truck. Having moved myself before, I know I have a lot of crap and, well, despite some episodes of purging in the last 9 months, I had about 4 years to settle into that appartment and collect more crap. In fact, in the last 6 or 7 months, a lot of the crap is Pampered Chef related, and once I get settled up here I have to make a decision if I am going to try to revive the business or just let it go — I’m leaning toward the later, and that will clear out a lot of unnecessary crap.

But anyway, I owe BJ big. And his birthday is coming up. I was going to buy him a gift anyway, but now I’ll buy him a bigger gift. Actually I saw two t-shirts I thought he’d like and was going to make a decision on one, but I think I’ll just get him both and mail them to him as a joint birthday/thank you.

Apparently, according to my dad, he said he’d settle for a platonic hug — and I’m not going to be paranoid and let past circumstances make something of that — and when I commented to my dad that I didn’t know when I would actually be back in New Orleans, my dad indicated that BJ had commented he’d be willing to help me move back in two years. (For those new to this, the job I took in Maine is a two year temp job.)

I’ve commented to a lot of people back “home” that this is “just for two years”. A few of them have actually talked to me about the fact that the likelihood of me returning to the New Orleans area to live in two years is very low — the economy of New Orleans has never been good and technical jobs are really hard to come by there, even when the national economy was better. I don’t see that improving in two years. So, Mickey and I discussed it. Where I’d go in two years is a big question mark, but going back to New Orleans isn’t likely. Yes, I miss my friends. Yes, I miss some parts of my life there. However, I have to do what’s best for me professionally and financially from now on.

So, I know that PW and BJ and possibly El will be the most disappointed in such news and I guess I’ve tip-toed around having that conversation with them. There will be time for that later, I suppose. For the most part I think Peter, Meg, and Mickey & Minnie have accepted it, and part of me feels a bit sad that it was so easily accepted. I guess I kind of feel flattered that the others will miss me so much they want me to “come home” and the others have just written me off as MIA or whatever. And I know that’s not entirely true and may be an exaggeration, but I’m a mess of neurotic thoughts and nerves and I have these feelings and theories and they’re mine.

So, anyway, my parents’ friend RE (JE’s wife) just could not understand why I had broken up with BJ. She thinks he’s such a sweetie and “darling” — I’m sure he’d love to know he’s darling. :rolleyes: My mother said she’d try to explain to RE.

The truth is that BJ really is a sweetheart and he can be really romantic and attentive and giving. However, the intensity of his feelings kind of makes him a bit crazy-like in an obsessive and jealous way. He will make some needy, commitment-hungry gal very happy one day. However, I never wanted to commit to anyone while we were going out. I started the relationship saying that I didn’t want a committed relationship, that I wanted to see other people, but then he made it very hard for that to happen and somehow I got manuvered into this committed relationship that I didn’t want to be in. He said he agreed with me that he never wanted to get married or have kids but he really and truly does or did. And I guess there is a lot of pressure from his family, particularly his mother and sister, because both my mother and I had been told at various points that we were going to be in-laws — something that surprised both of us since we both knew I wasn’t interested in settling down.

I should never have let the relationship continue as long as it did, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I didn’t want to be the one to break his heart. Things never end nicely when two people aren’t in the same “place” at the same time.

And while things got really bad after the break-up as we tried to stay friends but he had trouble letting go, I think in the last few months, he’s been a real good friend to me, maybe a better friend that I’ve been to him in the past.

So, I owe BJ something nice — particularly since he really didn’t have to spend yet another day off carrying my boxed crap and furniture down stairs and into a truck (at least it wasn’t up stairs this time), particularly since I’m sure he had to put up with both JE and my dad’s pecurliar, eccentric, annal attitutes. After all, BJ’s packing method is to just take a big box and dump whatever stuff in it until it’s full, and my dad’s extremely picky about how things need to be loaded onto a truck, packed in a suitcase/box/whatever. That can’t have been fun or easy — and to be honest, I’m not particularly looking forward to the unloading of the truck with just my dad, my mom, JE, and myself… :plain:

Tags: friendship