Stress, Procrastination, Paralysis

I’ve been completely stressed out lately.  Stressed to the point of being overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed to the point of near-paralysis.

I spent a rather eye-opening hour with the shrink last night who pointed out how connected my home-related stress is to my work-related stress is and how it all is just merging with my Winter-related depression and weighing me down to the point where I’m allowing myself to live up or down to whatever expectations certain people have of me.

I don’t know if I can explain this.  It all seems so circular.

So, at work, my top thought is always that I’m going to lose my job, though that’s not necessarily the case.  That, of course, is the result of my last job and looking back now, the jobs before that where the threat was always made present by the higher-ups as a form of possible punishment.  So, the more negativity that MJ and FW present toward me, the more MJ hovers and tells me that I’m not doing my job correctly, the more FW unprofessionally berates me in public and tells me that he and MJ are worried they are going to have to finish my work, the more anxious it makes me — especially since I am currently already highly anxious due to a very high-anxiety-producing deadline looming.  I just want some sort of validation that my job is not at risk.

On top of that I just bought a house, right?

A house that appears to have some “issues”.  The beadboard in the kitchen appears to be drying out from what little heat I’m using.  The paint is bubbling and splitting.  It looks horrible.  Cracks are forming between the ceiling and the slanted part of the wall in the rooms upstairs and the hall.  The paint between the wall and the linen closet in the bathroom has split.  The wall where the wood and the drywall meet beneath the stairs has distinctly separated.  I’m starting to see where seams and boards are in the walls and ceiling.  Oh, and there’s two small cracks in the paint in the bathroom over the shower/tub, which I suspect is hiding an army of mold spores beneath it’s plastic sheath.

My father wants me to talk to the people I bought the house from and make them come fix it, though I doubt I they are liable.  And someone told me some houses resettle every Winter.

However, I’m so miserable because I worry that there’s something wrong with the walls that I don’t want to do anything like finish unpacking or hang pictures or window treatments because that would be a waste of time because I’d just have to undo that stuff.  If I hang stuff, it’ll have to be unhung when the walls have to be fixed after all.

But my mother has decided to come for my surgery next month, which means I need to get the house in some sort of order or she’ll be disappointed, but there’s just so much to do and I just don’t know where to start.  I need to hang the shelves I bought for the office to finish unpacking, but the curio cabinet I bought and haven’t put together is in the way.  The curio cabinet is in like 1000 pieces and it just looks too hard.  I don’t want to do it alone but I don’t have anyone to help but I don’t want it still sitting there when my mom comes.

And on and on it goes…

And part of the house comes back to work…why unpack and finish the house if I’m going to lose my job and have to move.  Traditionally I take years to finish unpacking and hang every thing up and then it’s time to move.  Everyone who knows me knows this.  Which is why my mother keeps asking if I’ve hung stuff on the walls, I’m sure.

And some of the stuff I keep putting off saying I’ll do it when it gets warmer.  I have a ton of boxes from the move.  They’re all broken down and against the wall in my garage.  I want to put them in the rafters of my garage, but it’s friggin’ cold outside.  Who wants to spend that long outside?  I’m waiting for a warmer day.

Anyway, my job isn’t at risk.  I still have an immobile deadline.  MJ and FW are just unprofessional, nasty people; I think no matter where you go, there’s always one or two of those.  My boss is entirely understanding, if conflict avoiding.  I hung some curtains up last night and even unpacked a box.  I’ll have to see how I feel about my Susy Homemaker list when I get home tonight, but I’m o.k. with the stress I feel for work.  It’s just regular deadline anxiety and not “I’m going to lose my job if I don’t meet this deadline” anxiety and that’s o.k.

Maybe I’ll be able to crawl out of the overwhelmedness and depression and stressful paralysis and start posting again.

Tags: work, anxiety, job loss, depression, overwhelmed, stress, paralysis

Exercise Your Mind - 11/08/06

Election 2006

• You have your marching orders…. — Nicole Belle @ Crooks and Liars reminds us of the Republican’s “Contract with America” when they took control of Congress in 1994.
  

  This year’s election offers the chance, after four decades of one-party control, to bring to the House a new majority that will transform the way Congress works. That historic change would be the end of government that is too big, too intrusive, and too easy with the public’s money. It can be the beginning of a Congress that respects the values and shares the faith of the American family.

  Like Lincoln, our first Republican president, we intend to act “with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right.” To restore accountability to Congress. To end its cycle of scandal and disgrace. To make us all proud again of the way free people govern themselves.
  

  Let’s hope that the Democrats learn from the Republicans’ mistakes.

• A Remedy for Negative Political Ads — Paul Silver @ Donklephant has a remedy for all of those negative, deceitful ads since there’s not likely to be any law regulating truth in political advertising anytime soon.
  

  Perhaps the solution lies in changing the geometry of the question. Instead of trying to regulate the content of ads, we use public funds (or funds from the Parties) to run a frequent public service message that corrects the inaccuracies of any recent ads - perhaps produced by the Factcheck.org folks. Since a candidate would not want to have the airwaves filled with objective criticism they would be inclined to stay as reasonable and civil as possible.

• A Remedy for Election Tampering– Paul Silver @ Donklephant also thinks there should be a reward for information leading to a conviction in crimes related to election tampering.

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Tags: 2006 election, Republicans, Contract with America, Contress, ethics, scandal, Democrats, negative political ads, election tampering, politics, factcheck.org, DHS, TSA, passports, Hasan Elahi, FBI, mental illness, anxiety, depression

Thursday Thirteen Discombobulated Worries This Week (#11)

My brain is way too scattered and full of anxiety to focus on one particular nifty topic this week. So, now you get to see the really true discombobulated, highly anxious me.

Thirteen Things about N. Mallory

1. What if the sale on the little red house falls through and I don’t get it?
2. What if the sale on the little red house doesn’t fall through and I do get it and it turns into a money pit?
3. What if those nice flippers are taking advantage of me because I’m a naive first time buyer and I don’t know what I’m doing?
4. What if my dog is depressed? He’s been lethargic and hasn’t been eating at home, but the doggie daycare folks say he’s hyper and playful there. Maybe he just hates me.

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Tags: Thursday Thirteen, meme, bloghopping, anxiety, home buying, acid reflux, IgAN, autoimmune kidney disease, discombobulated, the puppy

14 comments See also in My Life, Geekery, Blogging & Other Blogs, Wellness, Discombobulated, Anxiety/Depression, The Puppy, Acid Reflux/Gastro B.S., Thursday Thirteen, Memes, Little Red House, IgA Nephropathy

Demythtifying Mental Illness & The 100 Comment Challenge

I found the below on demythtifying mental illness at Brony’s blog, Parenting with a Mental Illness .  She closed out Mental Health Awareness Week by posting her 100th post on a blog she started “in part to create awareness of what it is like to have a mental illness.”  With this 100th post, she wants to meet 100 new people and generate 100 comments.  So please head over and comment on her 100th post and add your name to the 100 new people.  While you’re there, you might check out her other 99 posts too and become a little more aware about what it’s like to be a parent with a mental illness.
Oh, and here’s a teaser:

In Honour of Demthytifying Mental Illness, here are some common myths:

• People who have a mental illness are just “crazy
• Depression and other illnesses, such as anxiety disorders, do not affect children or adolescents.
• People with a severe mental illness, such as schizophrenia, are usually dangerous and violent.
• Addiction is a lifestyle choice and shows a lack of willpower. People with a substance abuse problem are morally weak or “bad”.
• Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), formerly known as “shock treatment,” is painful and barbaric.
• People with mental illness are poor and/or less intelligent.
• Mental illness is caused by a personal weakness.
• Mental illness is a single, rare disorder.
• Mental illness only happens to people with a family history.
• Mental illness is the same as mental retardation.
• People with a mental illness are unable to function well.
• Depression and anxiety disorders are part of growing up.
• Mentally ill employees tend to be second-rate workers.
• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) happens only after you fight in a war. That’s why it’s called shell shock.
• Depression is all in your head.
• Mental illness is the result of bad parenting.
• Schizophrenia means “split personality,” and there is no way to control it.
• Mental illness does not strike the “average person.”
• Mental illness is not a serious health problem today.
• Most people with a mental illness are receiving treatment.
• Mental illness is not like other “Physical” diseases.
• Most people who are mentally ill live in mental hospitals or on the streets.

Fact: Don’t be too quick to judge. Someone you knows suffers from a mental illness.

Tags: mental illness, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, Mental Health Awareness Week

Trust No One

Remember that was one of the slogans from The X-Files? “Trust no one.”

Apparently, it’s one of my “Core Beliefs”. My Cognative Thinking Therapy Group is over now and the last two weeks was about “Core Beliefs”. My understanding is that these are the inner beliefs that we have that shape our lives and how we deal with ourselves, others, and the world. In fact, that is how they are broken down — beliefs about ourselves, beliefs about others, and beliefs about the world.

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Tags: wellness, therapy, anxiety, depression

Faced A Fear

Over the weekend I went to a singles dinner.  Yup.  Faced a major social anxiety.  Got myself gussied up, drove 2 hours to South of Boston to meet total utter strangers.

And it was fun and not scary at all and I enjoyed myself and stayed 3 hours longer than I had planned and I totally plan to do it again.

And no I didn’t hook up with anyone and that wasn’t the goal.  I really just wanted to meet some new people (but there were a couple of cute guys).  I will say that the ratio of women to men was unfair.  I did think that everyone there was extremely intelligent and creative and intriguing as far as personalities and occupations go.  Everyone seemed to have fascinating backgrounds and lives.

Anyway, I’m hoping to go again.

Tags: anxiety

Update On Last Week’s “Crisis”

I know I’ve been quiet a couple of days.  The truth is that there’s been some more arguing on the phone and in IMs and a couple of emails.  Mostly it’s been one-sided so-called “Tough Love” coming from N2; at least that’s what she calls it.

I feel kind of beat up and sore and raw right now.  It’s all been rather eye-openning.

Imagine finding out that the things your most afraid your friends will think about you are actually the things they think about you.  But they “love you anyway” or they wouldn’t be talking to you about it.  Quite frankly, I wouldn’t love me if I were all those horrible things she said I was.

And trust me, one of the things she said to me came very close to being on the list of things I might not have spoken to someone again for.  Right under the one PW used on me before we didn’t speak for 3 years.

And she said all these horrible things, but I’m “not a bad person.”  I’m just too negative and I make things too difficult for myself and I’m not reliable (because of my depression — though she refuses to accept that as a reason).

This is the one that I struggled with her on.  She said that I refuse to accept responsibility for anything being my fault, but when I accept responsibility for things being my fault, she doesn’t seem to hear that.  She says I blame everyone but myself.  When I try to explain the situation, I’m making excuses.  She doesn’t understand that someone can have an explanation and still know they are at fault and not be trying to excuse themselves from blame.  So therefore because I try to analyze everything to explain why things happened, I ‘m making excuses and therefore blaming everyone but myself.

When I tried to explain to her that I am a self-blamer for everything in the world, she didn’t buy it.  When I told her that I assume I’m always at fault and that one of my big issues is that I’m a failure and that I’ve disappointed my parents, I suddenly got the huge laundry list of how she failed her parents and how I couldn’t possibly be a bigger failure.  Like it’s some competition.  I didn’t even know how I was supposed to respond.  I mean, I was trying to point out that I always assume I’m at fault and that I’ve done something wrong and suddenly I can’t possibly have screwed up more than her?  How does that fit in?

And even stranger, one of the other people involved in the little Pow-wow that started all of this nonsense to begin with told me Thursday night that no one is 100% blameless in this — meaning everyone has to share the blame, all of us, right?  Not just me.  I’d really like to shove that down N2’s Tough Love spouting throat right about now.

Oh and the real kicker was being told that I’ve screwed up so bad that I’m going to have to “prove myself to them” all over again with these PBeMs.  Quite frankly I don’t know that I care enough to want to “prove myself” to anyone, particularly them.  I told N2 that I felt like they were going to need to prove themselves to me because right now I didn’t think they could be trusted again and as much as they say they’ve changed since the game we were in together last summer, I haven’t seen it.  So it’s not fair for them to insist that they’ve changed and tell me I can’t use that as an example to not trust them when they’re using stuff from last year to hold over my head now.  People change and I’ve been changing over the last month and if they can’t see that, then that’s their problem.

I finally did force her to listen to me talk about my Cognitive Therapy.  I was really getting pissed off.  She was just like my dad; she kept going on about how I dwell too much on things and how I need to just not think about things and I kept telling her that I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder and it’s not something I can just control; it’s a chemical imbalance.  I told her that I’ve been trying to tell her about my therapy group/classes for a month because that’s what it’s about — teaching me how to retrain my brain to deal with those kinds of thoughts and situations.  (I wish that we’d finished the class before I’d had to deal with last week. )  I kind of think she finally got it, I hope.  I explained that while normal people may be able to just make that decision not to think or dwell on something, I actually have to go through a process and I’m not done learning that process yet, which is why I’ve been trying to talk to her about it because I wanted to show her that I was in recovery and making important moves in my life to get well so that we wouldn’t continue to have the kind of issues we’ve had in the past.

Anyway, so I’m going to work on the being too negative thing….though I wish I knew if Janeane  Garofalo’s friends complain about her being too negative.  (Although to balance it out, apparantly I’m damned funny when I want to be…thing is I think being negative and funny are the same thing…)

Anyway, when I started this post I really didn’t mean to write all of this because I didn’t feel I was ready to share.  I hope it didn’t come off as blame-y or negative.  It’s going to take some time for me to heal emotionally from this, but it’s been a good reminder that I really need to make new friends, preferably ones with little need for drama.

(Also, I had a migraine from Wednesday until last night that finally went away.  Yay.  Obviously the trigger was stress and crying.)

Tags: friendship, dysfunctional drama, wellness, depression, anxiety

You May Pat My Back Now

I really need a pat-myself-on-the-back moment right now. (I’ll explain later in another more lengthy post).

I’ve been mening to make of list of recenent sucesses and accomplishments as far as pulling myself out of this last big depressive episode. That way they’re all in one big place.

• Started making to-do lists on my Palm Pilot and maintaining them daily. I’ve divided them into Home, Personal, Financial, PBeM, and Work. Each one has 1 to 3 things that are the top priority for the day and I have given myself permission to be able to move them to tomorrow if they can’t be accomplished today. I’ve set up recurring items like laundry, taking out the trash, the litterboxes, posting on the pbem, etc. so they automatically show back up on the next due date.
• I’ve started getting up between 6am and 6:45am at my leisure and I try to do one little chore during that time, plus answer any PBeM emails I owe before getting ready for work — not to mention make coffee.
• Working with the personal organizer has been very theraputic and is helping me set up new systems to get through the daily. Plus, clean kitchen and hall!
• I’ve even lost a few more pounds since I saw the doctor a few weeks ago.
• I’ve been working hard in that Cognitive Therapy class. While I’m having trouble decifering the “evidence” chapter, I’m looking forward to the chapter on balancing thoughts. I have great hope that somehow this therapy class will be of significant help in teaching me to deal with these rampant out-of-control automatic thoughts that seem to poison and overwhelm me sometimes on a day-to-day basis. Maybe I’ll never think like normal people, but maybe I can counter my brain’s runaway train thoughts somehow and fake it out.
• I’ve been buying bright shiny colored things for the apartment and sitting in the sun and enjoying it.
• I’ve been smiling a lot more and up until Tuesday night was in a very good mood. I even told my mother that I was feeling better.
• I’m very excited about the puppy.
• I’ve been working with my mother with some success to delve into memories of my childhood to try to figure out what makes me tick, what went wrong way back when.
• I’ve been getting out of the house fairly regularly to go to the Sunday write-ins, even if I haven’t always been writing.

The shrink says that I should worry less about what hasn’t been accomplished and be proud of what has so there’s my list of accomplishments for the last month or so and it’s not so bad at all.

N2 rudely told me that she thought I was getting worse the other day, but I think she’s wrong. I think maybe my life is a little more chaotic right now because I’m trying to pull myself out of the bog and I’m trying to find a place for the things I love — sometimes when you’re sorting out something, it looks a little messier before things clean up, you know?

Tags: anxiety, depression, wellness, therapy, personal organizer, PBeM

Crashing

When it feels as though your friends are abandoning you and that you’ve been betrayed and the world is crumbling around you, how do you stop the crying so you can just go on with your day?

How do you behave as if all is well in the world and your heart isn’t breaking while you sit at your desk wondering who you have left on your side?

When you’ve turned to a person you trusted and opened yourself up and been honest and needy and asked for understanding only to have them kick you even as you were reaching out for help, how do you face the tedious meetings and endless, boring daily routine?

Goddamit, why am I so fucking fragile?

Tags: dysfunctional drama, depression, anxiety

How Many Times Must I Say I’m Sorry?

Let’s get something straight right now. We all have hobbies, right? I mean, there are those of you out there who are seriously interested in WWF wrestling, golf, knitting, scrapbooking, bird-watching, and even bigfoot hunting. I don’t mock. Much. These things are important to you.

I have a tendency to put down my own hobby as being silly and my therapist tries to discourage that because it’s important to me. I try to write-off it’s importance because it’s a “game.” Obviously games are not as important as other things in life and therefore don’t deserve to be worth emotional upset, in my mind. However, my therapist keeps assuring me that it’s o.k. to get upset and express it and not put myself down about being upset about it.

So. I’m upset.

The thing is that really I’m the only one to blame and so I’m mostly pissed at myself, which is easy to do when you generally accept that most things in life are your fault anyway. However in this case, I should have been a better player, but quite frankly the last few months I haven’t put a high priority on my Play-by-e-mail roleplaying games. I’ve kind of let them slide in favor of being depressed and mopey and then I used that as an excuse. I have lots of excuses.

So here’s the thing. I know and knew I wasn’t playing up to par. I’m not stupid or oblivious. It does make me somewhat hypocritical as it’s something I’ve complained about in other players in the past. However, the longer it kept sliding, the harder it was to pull myself back into shape and the longer no one mentioned it, the easier it was to keep letting it slide.

Now, here’s the thing. Just because I know I’m screwing up, it doesn’t mean I like having someone point out to me that I’m screwing up, because that means they know I’m not perfect. Or it means that they’re ruining the illusion I have that everyone might think I’m perfect if I close my eyes and pretend hard.

Really, who likes to be scolded and told they’ve fucked up?

And they (the game moderators) always send my friend N2 to “talk” to me about whatever the issue of the month is and then we get into a pisser. Take two depressives trying to analyze each other and one is trying to tell the other that she screwed up and the other is trying to protect herself by raising her defenses by blaming everyone but herself even though she knows she’s at fault. Shake well.

So, I was in an upward swing the last week or so. I’ve been busy with the cleaning and the puppy visiting and I even told my mother that I was feeling better and was excited about stuff. I’ve been enjoying all the sunlight and I’ve lost a couple of pounds and I’ve been downright chipper.

And usually when I think I’m making progress, I guess that’s when they think it’s time to send N2 in to deal with me. Maybe they think I can’t handle it when I’m “too low”. Usually, N2 “dealing” with me always knocks me back a bit. I think if she discussed it with me while I was down, I’d deal with it better because I’d already be there. Now I’ve got to crawl back out of the hole again.

And this morning, after thinking on it last night and oversleeping and thinking on it this morning, I wrote her a long email. I told her that basically I understand everything she said last night and that I agree that I hadn’t been setting a high priority for the games and that I was willing to change that. I explained that I don’t initially accept criticism well and tried to appologize for that. I thought I was being very mature.

And her response was to basically echo back that she was frustrated from last night about how I was making all those excuses and not accepting responsibility and how most of my problem with my depression is me. She told me that I need to make a decision about whether I’m going to commit to the game because they need me to post for my characters 4 times a week, etc.

And I got really mad and said that I thought my previous email had calmly explained all of that and how frustrated I was that she didn’t seem to understand that.

I haven’t received a response now in several hours.

I sent another email asking if she was pissed at me now. No response there either.

I don’t know. I really just want to get on my life, but I can’t until I know that she’s o.k. with it. That’s just how I am. I have to have closure of some sort or it just keeps eating me. That’s the General Anxiety Disorder.

Tags: PBeM, roleplaying, anxiety, dysfunctional drama

Anxiously Friendless in Portland

Those of you who don’t suffer from any kind of anxiety might not understand, but for me I live in a constant state of feeling like something dreadful is about to happen. Even though I have never ever been evicted from anywhere, just seeing a flyer stuck in my door is enough to trigger a mild panic attack as I approach from the parking lot, the flashing light on my answering machine is a harbringer of some horrible message of doom, and if it’s not shaped like a card from the Hallmark store, any envelop with my parents’ handwriting means I am in trouble, despite the fact that I am now thirty-five years old and have lived on my own since 1993.

And, no, the fact that I can see the humor in my own pain does not make it any easier. It just means that I should reconsider my left-behind career in stand-up comedy.

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Tags: anxiety, dysfunctional family

The Difference Between A Mood & A Thought

Bet you never put much thought into it. I never did really, but, as you know, I’ve started that Cognitive Therapy group, which as it turns out is more like a class with lots of homework (5 chapters this week alone). One of the things we covered last week, which is in our required reading in Mood over Mind is the difference between a Mood and a Thought.

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Tags: wellness, anxiety, depression

Is It Me Or Are Bloggers Snobs?

Technorati has been acting a bit on the odds the last month or so and I’ve been getting really weird incoming links at random.  Yesterday, I got this one, which I had to search the whole page to find the reference to my own website which was last Fall sometime.

Looking back at that, I vaguely recall the whole affair.  There was a whole uproar in the blogsphere about “The A-List” which I didn’t get and I still don’t get.  In fact, I still haven’t figured out what the “A-List” is and who’s on it.  In fact, shortly after writing the post refered to in their post, I kind of forgot about “The A-List” because it was a bit too much like high school and cliquish to me.  What I think I got out of it was that it isn’t who you know or who knows you but who links to you and who acknowledges to you and who refers to you.

The strange timing of this is that recently I’ve started trying to be more active out in the blogsphere.  I’ve tried to start joining in on “conversations” on other blogs, but what I’ve started to notice is that you can’t just jump into a conversation even a virtual one on the web.  Apparently, that’s just like real life.

It’s a little bit like high school too.  I feel like I’ve just contributed to the conversation and rather than have anyone respond or agree or disagree, for the most part, I feel ignored or “unheard”, just another face in the crowd.

Maybe I’m just expecting too much or flashing back to high school insecurities.

Tags: blogs, anxiety, hopeless, paranoia

Patting Myself On The Back

So, my shrink said to try to ignore the things I don’t get done or don’t accomplish everyday and focus on the accomplishments however small they might seem.

Today I’m very proud of myself for getting out of the house and going to the write-in even if I did spend most of the time socializing and reading rather than writing. Actually, once I get somewhere and get comfortable I’m fine. One of the fellow write-in persons commented that hours after I got there I was obviously feeling better than when I arrived. That’s true. I was enjoying myself once I got there and remembered that I like being there. It’s just always so hard to remember that for some reason.

So, for next week, I’m sneaking homemade brownies in and I told everyone I was doing it so I’m obligated to go now. And it fits in with my current writing project which is my cookbook — must have guinea pigs after all.

I also emailed the list and asked if anyone wanted to see a movie next weekend. Hopefully I’m not pushing myself too much too soon. But I think my shrink would be proud.

Tags: depression, anxiety

History Repeating Itself?

So, four years ago, the hospital I was at went through lay-offs and an administration change. Our department was then outsourced to another company and I survived all of that and thought I was safe and started looking for a house. Obviously, I was lucky I didn’t go through with buying one since I lost my job and then moved to Maine.

So, at my new job, our department is going through a heirarchy change. We’re getting a newly created position of a CIO and some sort of underling like a VP. After over a year, the hospital has finally decided on the CIO, who will be starting in February.

To be honest, I haven’t thought much about it because I’m happy with my job and I’m all comfy.

However, after visiting my parents over the holidays, I came to realize that I really do want a house or a condo of my own with a nice large kitchen and a roomy great room/living room and a workshop where I can invest in a light table and a grinder and such to work on my stained glass at home. Really, I want their house with some tweaks only here in Maine. So, I kind of started looking online at homes for sale at the end of last week, though I know it’ll probably be about a year until I have the money for a down payment. Still, I just want to get a feel for what’s available in Maine, what the architecture options are, etc.

So, all of a sudden on New Year’s Eve, my dad told me that I should start getting my resume in order because the new CIO could come in and decide to outsource our department.

It’s a strange, uncomfortable feeling of deja vu. Gah!

I wonder what the housing market is like in Bangalore.

Tags: anxiety

In Search of the Art of Travelling

I’ve talked before about my fear of flying and how I hate to travel. I suppose the anxiety I feel about travel is really porportional to the distance and time and effort involved. Personally, I’m not particularly fond of going anywhere. I prefer to stay home; though I don’t mind being at work.

But really, there’s a lot of stress involved in going anywhere in particular. There’s the matter of dressing appropriately, make-up or no make-up, making sure you leave enough time to get ready before you must leave your house to drive somewhere…there’s more stress if you’re going somewhere you’re unfamiliar with and quite frankly that’s often true now that I’m in Maine. There’s the stress of making sure you arrive on time. There’s more stress if you’re the first one there. There’s different stress if you aren’t the first one there. Then there’s the stress of having to converse with people while worrying about saying the wrong thing or trying to be funny and when is it appropriate to leave — wouldn’t want to leave too early or stay too long.

And that’s just the stress of going somewhere social.

Taking a trip is a big ball of anxiety-ridden stress for me. First you have to make the travel arrangements, whether it be airplanes, trains, buses, or automobiles. Personally, I feel better if I have the tickets bought and paid for as early as possible. The fact that the bus station doesn’t do reservations is making my stomach hurt as I type.

Then there’s the packing — what if you pack wrong for the weather or don’t have the right clothes for an unexpected social event? What if you don’t really want to read that book you packed once you get there? What if you change your mind about your jewelry after you leave? And what will the security guy think when he searches your luggage — really, once I had a security guy comment on what was in my suitcase which was half-filled with WWery snacks. I kind of wonder what they’ll think of my copy of The Dark History of Christianity and my Paranoia magazine this year.

I started packing on Sunday for this trip. All I have left theoretically is the bath stuff.

But the real anxiety starts the day before the trip. I start feeling like I should be leaving and getting to the first stop of the trip. I just want to get there, wherever there is. I just want the whole thing over.

If it’s a 2 hour trip to Boston, I have to keep myself from leaving four hours early. I begin to worry about being late and not finding the place or something happening.

If it’s something bigger like a multi-leg trip across the country, I just want to get to each stop as quickly as possible. I start worrying about missing flights or buses overbooked or not finding the right terminal or being in the bathroom when they announce boarding of my plane. The whole time I’m travelling, I’m checking and double-checking and tripple-checking my tickets and itenery, I’m going over what needs to be done in my head, and I’m growing anxious that I can’t get to the next step because I’m waiting for the plane to land or waiting for the plane to board or waiting for the time to leave my house.

Add in that fear of flying, that feeling that one should not be flinging oneself through the air in a big metal box, and it’s just a stomach-wrenching, acid-churning, migraine-inducing event that I want over as quickly as possible and it doesn’t end until I have my luggage safely back in my possession and am comfortly installed in my hotel or at my friend’s or family’s house…

And then the whole time I’m on the vacation/trip, in the back of my mind, I’m already going through the list of things I’ll have to do on the journey back home — what time do I need to leave where I’m staying, what time does the plane/bus/train leave, how long will I have between stops to get to the next terminal…and on and on and on.

Some people seem to enjoy travelling. Those people always seemed so relaxed. They have brought DVDs to watch and books to read and don’t appear to be in a whole lot of hurry. They can nap without worrying that they won’t wake up when the plane lands or the bus arrives at the terminal. They chat with strangers without concern or paranoia.

I envy them.

I have 13 hours and 26 minutes until I need to leave my house for the bus station.

Tags: fear of flying, stress, anxiety, travel

My Funny Face

I was told in Group on Monday night that I seem a lot less angry than I did that first week. In fact, I was told that I was bright and funny.

I personally like to think I’m funny. I mean, I was a stand-up comic for a bit — obviously not very successful at it as I was never in any big clubs or on Leno or Letterman, but funny enough. The irony (or is the proper word, coincidence) is that it’s all an act; at least I think it is.

You see one of the things we talked about this week in Group is about the many faces people have. For example, my mother has a business face that got her to be VP of a home health company in a culture that didn’t think nurses should be in administration, but she also has this June-Cleaver-50’s-Face which she puts on when she changes out of her business clothes; that’s the face she wears for my very 50’s-minded-separation-of-women’s-work-from-men’s-work-dinner-on-the-table-at-6′O’Clock-sharp father. Many people have one face for their family and one for their work and one for their friends.

So, I’ve been thinking about my faces. In a way, I’m like my mother with that independent face for work (though obviously I struggled with that after losing my job) and another face for home. Since those are mostly the places I’m at these days, I really haven’t had much time to explore my other faces, but I have them.

I really think, my real face is more like Darlene on Roseanne, all dressed in black and sarcastic somewhere on the edge of life just observing, and this funny face is something I’ve developed to entertain the troops. I remember coming home sometimes after hanging out with the old gang down South and I would feel mentally exhausted from having to entertain. In fact, I feel like a lot of what I did when I was living with PW was entertain — when we weren’t fighting that is, and even then, that was just another form of entertainment for the living drama vortex.

But admittedly, I also kind of like the attention being funny brings me most of the time. It certainly feels better than being left in the corner to sulk and moan and observe. It’s also easier to be funny than to be real though I’m not really sure what my real face is. My mother used to tell me that if I acted all depressed all the time then I wouldn’t have friends because no one likes a sourpuss. I guess that stuck with me.

And, yet, last week, my funny face got me in trouble. I’d made some smart ass remarks, mostly self-depreciating and I ended up having to have one of those “we need to talk” talks that are all about what’s wrong with me. The irony of course is that I was using the humor to try to mask the “real” me who really does have some of those flaws. It’s better that I make fun of them than have someone else point them out in all seriousness.

I kind of would like to find my real face. I’m not sure I can spend the time looking for it while I’m trying to discard the angry face, I also have — though admittedly, I do feel better about the whole situation now that I’ve accepted that it’s silly to be angry about losing a job I hated and that my friends have all been dispersed by Hurricane Katrina, so the separation anxiety face would have had to come sooner or later.

I guess I’ll just have to keep mulling it all over.

Tags: depression, anxiety, therapy

After All These Years, Money Still Worries Me

I was in debt already after college. I hid it for a few years from my parents, but some of my friends knew. The debt just kept growing and growing out of control.

While I’m fairly sure that mental illness runs in my family, I think my panic attacks started with that debt then. The first real panic attacks I can recall from the recesses of my mind involved pages of bills piled on the table, the floor or the kitchen counter as I tried to figure out who to pay and when so as to not bounce another check.

I’ll admit that I have never been good at managing my own money. I’m really still not, probably much to my CPA father’s disappointment.

I even have a rather vivid memory of having woken in the middle of the night in my first one bedroom/roommate-free apartment in the throes of a panic attack over my checking account. I even recall calling and waking a dear friend in the wee hours just to cry over the impending disaster of it all.

Eventually, I had to face my parents and they loaned me some money and then set me up on a budget to pay things off. Over the years, right after Christmas, I always seemed to get further in debt — the problem with being generous and loving sales — and therefore the debt never seemed to get paid down very far before it would leap way up again.

I had been on the way to paying it off the fall before my unfortunate “involuntary” termination that led to 3 months of unemployment and my move from the South to New England. It took me an extra year than I had planned, but that debt is finally paid off.

But the panic attacks are still here every now and then. It’s strange because I used to panic if my checking account got below $100. Now I panic if it gets below $2,000 — mind you my rent is almost $1,100/month rather than the $650/month down South. But I still do panic.

And it’s worse after I’ve made a rather large purchase — like a Dyson Animal plus $500 to repair my Jeep — though I should get that money back…someday…

I know I should manage my money better or just quit spending it altogether, but it’s hard. I don’t know why. I love my online bill pay because I can set up the bills to go right to my bank and have the bank pay them. I only really have to worry about my rent and gas bill as they refuse to get into the 21rst century.

Anyway, I had a panic attack today. Thank goodness for savings — thank goodness, my dad drilled into me all these years in debt to put the money in savings once the debt was paid off. I transfered $500 into checking just to make me feel better…

I wonder if there’s a support group for me…or at least an honest accountant I don’t have to tell my dad about? I wonder if he’s married to a cleaning lady I don’t have to tell my mom about.

Tags: debt, anxiety

Quick Allergy Update

I am felling better. Except for my nose, nothing is itchy. The sinus pressure is seriously reduced. The coughs aren’t in my chest anymore, but my chest is aching (possibly anxiety from the London Bombings). My nose is runny and my voice sounds bad, but really this is a big improvement.

Supposedly they are sealing the parking lot while I’m away at work. I am considering making a run to Target for a few things to postpone my arrival on the scene and hopefully things will be dry enough when I get home so as to not cause any sort of relapse. Of course, I’ve forgotten what I needed to get from Target…

Maybe I’ll just go see a movie instead. There’s probably nothing on tv tonight except bad news and I can hear my shrink telling me to take it in small doses and not get overwhelmed by it all like I tend to do. I had to be tranquilized on 9-11, if I recall…ironically with the medicine I’d been prescribed for fear of flying.

Anyway, I bet the movie theater will be empty.

Decisions, decisions…

Tags: wellness, anxiety, London bombing

Blog Musings…Life Is Better

Since I now have the capability to categorize my posts, I went back and sorted the 150+ posts converted from Greymatter. To do so, I, of course, had to at least skim, if not read them all.

What I realized is that while I’m still suffering from anxiety and depression, I no longer have dreams about losing my job and I am financially better off than I was a year ago. I’ve also been reminded that the frequency of my headaches and migraines has significantly decreased. My blood pressure is down. I am still a lazy procrastinating slob who secretly desires to embrace her inner-neat freak. My cats have recovered from the trauma of the move. It’s hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

While work is weird and sometimes frustrating, it’s not sad and angry and insane like my old work. It’s nice to be appreciated and it’s good to know that I am getting the hang of things. My boss’ compliments have done my bruised ego some good. I don’t know that I’ll ever be the total diva I was at my last job where I truly believed they couldn’t survive without me, but certainly I’m regaining some confidence in my own abilities and skills.

Certainly, I’ve learned to like my little part of Maine. I never thought I’d be able to survive without Smoothie King and 24/7 Super Walmarts, but I am surviving. It’s a different world in Maine from New Orleans, but it’s a nice change of pace.

So, I still have some issues to resolve, but compared to a year ago, I’m doing better. I could do without so much rain, but I’m surviving.

And for the first time in my life, I’ve been able to make impulsive travel plans that involve taking a plane to visit N2 in VA and go sight-seeing in D.C. In the past, I couldn’t have afforded it financially and I would have dragged my feet about the impracticality of it all and what that $200 plane ticket might have bought instead. Like food. Or electricity. Or shoes.

So, even though I’m trying to dig myself out of a deep depression this month, I can take comfort in knowing that things are definitely better.

Tags: anxiety, depression, wellness, migraine