E-Mail From The Rejected

Some or a lot of this post may not make sense to you, dear readers. That’s fine. It’s not really for you. It’s for me, for later.

SQ noted that N2 wasn’t included in a general email I sent to several people updating them on my health. I replied that N2 hadn’t responded to my email from Sunday so I assumed that she didn’t really care one way or the other which is why I hadn’t included her. SQ’s response was to inquire as to whether or not I was sure N2 had actually gotten the email where I indicated that we needed to talk because I felt she hadn’t been talking to me of late.

Originally I had told SQ that I didn’t want to drag her into this tiff like the one last Spring, but I’ve been feeling very depressed the last 24 hours and so here is my response:

Nope.

But the fact is that she hasn’t bothered to talk to me in a week. If she didn’t get the email, that proves that she doesn’t want to talk to me. If she did get the email, that proves that she doesn’t want to talk to me.

She’s been pulling away for some time. For the last few weeks the only time she’s talked to me was when I wasn’t posting regularly on [the PBeM] and then rather than say “could you post on [the PBeM]?”, she’d say “Hey, how are you feeling?” When I’d try and contact her and ask her how her
life was doing and how [her son] was and just general chit chat, *if* she answered at all, which she usually didn’t, it was a word or two and that was it. I kind of got the feeling that if I was online and not posting, she was holding that against me, but I just didn’t feel well and I’m sorry but being awake enough to be online and creative enough to post are two different things.

I don’t know. I just feel like this has been coming for ages. I don’t think [N2] is who I thought she was or maybe I’m not who she thought I was. I think we’ve grown apart.

It’s sad but looking back over the last six months, she hasn’t been very supportive when I’ve tried to talk to her about being sick, like she doesn’t believe me or something, and I just don’t think that kind of attitude is helpful or healthy for me. I get enough of that from my dad and his “suck it up” mentality.

I think I just didn’t realize what was happening. I’m usually socially clueless. I want to be everyone’s friend and I just keep trying and I don’t notice when I’m the only one trying. And maybe [N2] thinks she is trying. I guess I just feel like I’ve been tossed aside. I mean, we used to talk every day about everything, but now I don’t think I know anything that’s going on in her life and she isn’t willing to share. And sometimes I feel like it has everything to do with the games…like I’m not in the upper echelon of the gaming crew and therefore there’s no time for me anymore like I’m being pushed out.

I know this sounds stupid and silly but I feel like the unwanted, pathetic geek that no one wants anything to do with like back in high school all over again sometimes. I picture myself in those flashback scenes from “Never Been Kissed” as Josie. That was pretty much me. That’s the kind of rejected pain I feel. I know it’s ridiculous to feel that kind of pain over a game all these years later, but that is exactly what the “cliques” in the gaming circles remind me of sometimes — high school. It takes me right back. Which is why I’m thinking about just getting out all together. I’d miss the actual gaming part, but the high school spaz part I wouldn’t. Trying to find people to post with me. Trying to find people to participate in my storylines. Feeling like there are favorites and cliques. Feeling like an outsider. Feeling like it’s never really my time to shine.

Well, I think maybe I have said a lot more than I really meant to say when I started. The fact is that [N2] hasn’t bothered to talk to me either way so it doesn’t matter and I’ve been keeping up with posting so she hasn’t had to ask me about my health. But I didn’t want to drag you into things.  I’m very sad about what’s happening and very hurt and a little angry but part of me is very accepting. It’s just a reminder that I need to get out more and meet more people.

Tags: dysfunctional drama, friendship, PBeMs, rejection