Archive for the Anxiety/Depression category
April 17th, 2006
I know I’ve been quiet a couple of days. The truth is that there’s been some more arguing on the phone and in IMs and a couple of emails. Mostly it’s been one-sided so-called “Tough Love” coming from N2; at least that’s what she calls it.
I feel kind of beat up and sore and raw right now. It’s all been rather eye-openning.
Imagine finding out that the things your most afraid your friends will think about you are actually the things they think about you. But they “love you anyway” or they wouldn’t be talking to you about it. Quite frankly,
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Tags: friendship, dysfunctional drama, wellness, depression, anxiety
April 14th, 2006
To: N2
From: N
Could you at least acknowledge either way that you’re at least getting these emails, that you’re alive, etc? Tell me to shut up and go away if that’s what you want but don’t leave me just sitting here wondering what’s going on.
Talk to me.
To: N
From: N2
Talk to you? About what? Your very unfair and kind of insulting temper tantrum on me yesterday?
We’re still friends, don’t worry.. but I need to cool down still…so give me some time. 
To: N2
From: N
I’ll give you time, yes, but please take into account this perspective (as [SQ] would point out), your
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Tags: friendship, dysfunctional drama, PBeM
April 14th, 2006
I’d like to say TGIF but quite frankly the day of the week means nothing to me. The weekend may be more time alone at home to sulk and stare at an empty inbox or an unrining telephone or an IM-less Y!M.
OK for about seven hours Sunny and Queer Eye will be there to distract me a little tomorrow but then it’ll be just me and the kitties and my runaway thoughts again.
I talked to SQ last night from about 11:30pm to about 1:30 (she’s on the West Coast, you know). She could tell I was distressed and
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Tags: PBeM, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, friendship, dysfunctional drama
April 14th, 2006
I really need a pat-myself-on-the-back moment right now. (I’ll explain later in another more lengthy post).
I’ve been mening to make of list of recenent sucesses and accomplishments as far as pulling myself out of this last big depressive episode. That way they’re all in one big place.
April 13th, 2006
When it feels as though your friends are abandoning you and that you’ve been betrayed and the world is crumbling around you, how do you stop the crying so you can just go on with your day?
How do you behave as if all is well in the world and your heart isn’t breaking while you sit at your desk wondering who you have left on your side?
When you’ve turned to a person you trusted and opened yourself up and been honest and needy and asked for understanding only to have them kick you even as you were reaching out for
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Tags: dysfunctional drama, depression, anxiety
April 12th, 2006
Let’s get something straight right now. We all have hobbies, right? I mean, there are those of you out there who are seriously interested in WWF wrestling, golf, knitting, scrapbooking, bird-watching, and even bigfoot hunting. I don’t mock. Much. These things are important to you.
I have a tendency to put down my own hobby as being silly and my therapist tries to discourage that because it’s important to me. I try to write-off it’s importance because it’s a “game.” Obviously games are not as important as other things in life and therefore don’t
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Tags: PBeM, roleplaying, anxiety, dysfunctional drama
April 3rd, 2006
I’ve actually been meaning to write about this for several days but at first I was too frazzled about getting lost for over an hour and then I was distracted by other things. Life happens that way.
I have a fairly good relationship with my mother now that we’ve got a country between us. What I mean is that when we lived in the same city, we hardly ever spoke or saw each other, I guess because it was always there that we could do so anytime we wanted so we put it off. When they moved to
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Tags: dysfunctional family, depression, rape, Women's Rights, therapy, wellness, Me
April 3rd, 2006
Well, I made two promises last night. It looks like I can only keep one.
I promised PW that I would march down to the bridal shop and order my bridesmaid dress this morning as apparently she was a little miffed and stressed about the whole thing. Apparently brides don’t like it if you put that off. Procrastination is not the bridesmaid’s friend. Well, it turns out that the bridal shop is not open on Mondays. They also have a sign that says they are by appointment only. Plus, they don’t have an answering service. You have to call between the
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Tags: wedding, personal organizer, friendship, depression
April 2nd, 2006
I have a question I’d like to ask someone who suffers from depression and who’s been both single and not through depressive episodes, but I’m not sure who to ask.
I wonder if it is easier to get through the little daily things if there is someone else kind of going through it with you. Oh, I don’t mean that there’s someone doing everything for you or taking care of you. My grandmother is bipolar and yet managed to raise three kids, have a husband, and manage a farm alongisde my grandfather who also had a day job.
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Tags: depression, bipolar
March 29th, 2006
Those of you who don’t suffer from any kind of anxiety might not understand, but for me I live in a constant state of feeling like something dreadful is about to happen. Even though I have never ever been evicted from anywhere, just seeing a flyer stuck in my door is enough to trigger a mild panic attack as I approach from the parking lot, the flashing light on my answering machine is a harbringer of some horrible message of doom, and if it’s not shaped like a card from the Hallmark store, any envelop with my parents’ handwriting means I am in trouble, despite the fact that I am now thirty-five years old and have lived on my own since 1993.
And, no, the fact that I can see the humor in my own pain does not make it any easier. It just means that I should reconsider my left-behind career in stand-up comedy.
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Tags: anxiety, dysfunctional family
March 26th, 2006
Bet you never put much thought into it. I never did really, but, as you know, I’ve started that Cognitive Therapy group, which as it turns out is more like a class with lots of homework (5 chapters this week alone). One of the things we covered last week, which is in our required reading in Mood over Mind is the difference between a Mood and a Thought.
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Tags: wellness, anxiety, depression
March 22nd, 2006
I know it seems like I’ve been preoccupied lately with my depression and depression in general and my birthday and my new puppy. (Have you seen my new puppy?) However, believe it or not, I’ve been keeping up with the news and online back and forths when my internet wasn’t down. I’ve even added a few new voices to my online daily reads.
To be kind of honest, I’m just a little tired of all of the arguing and excitement even among people who are supposed to be on the same side of the political fence.
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Tags: politics, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden
March 21st, 2006
Back in February I DVR’d a special on The History Channel on Lincoln — you know, because it was President’s Day and all. I’ve always had a lot of respect for the man and had read several biographies about him when I was much younger including one by Dale Carnegie. I guess over the years I’d forgotten some of the more interesting details.
Most importantly, I’d forgotten that it wasn’t just Mary Todd that suffered from a mental illness. Abe Lincoln suffered all of his life from a terrible depression and yet he was one of the greatest
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Tags: depression, Abraham Lincoln
March 19th, 2006
There’s something about birthdays that make people intraspective. To be honest, I would have completely forgotten my birthday this year if someone else hadn’t reminded me a few weeks ago.
O.K. That’s not completely true. My parents three cards and my mother’s call to let me know that UPS had my packages would have been a tip-off that I was turning another year older, but I would have forgotten it was one of those “milestone” birthdays had someone else not pointed it out and I guess a milestone birthday deserves some intraspection and attention.
Most of the time I
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Tags: Me, birthday, suicide, depression
March 18th, 2006
On further reflection of what I want for my birthday, which is still kind of a clean house by the way, what I really want is someone to help me get a grip with this depression and in effect nudge me in my life. I know I should be able to do this on my own and I’m realizing now that despite they dysfunction of my family and friends, there was a dependence somehow to get through the daily or weekly stuff. It’s becoming a little more evident two years away from them all.
Anyway, so what I was thinking
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Tags: depression, wellness, co-dependent, therapy
March 18th, 2006
I would give someone $500 to clean my house from top to bottom in a Clean Sweep kind of way. I might even help. Seriously. I’m not kidding. I just don’t know how to find this trustworthy person to give the $500 to. I suspect that Merry Maids would take one look at my apartment and tell me that it’s too messy for them to clean. I need help. I accept it. This is part of the depression. If I could just get some help to get started.
I actually
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Tags: Clean Sweep, Me, depression
March 17th, 2006
Technorati has been acting a bit on the odds the last month or so and I’ve been getting really weird incoming links at random. Yesterday, I got this one, which I had to search the whole page to find the reference to my own website which was last Fall sometime.
Looking back at that, I vaguely recall the whole affair. There was a whole uproar in the blogsphere about “The A-List” which I didn’t get and I still don’t get. In fact, I still haven’t figured out what the “A-List” is and who’s on it. In fact, shortly
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Tags: blogs, anxiety, hopeless, paranoia
March 7th, 2006
So, I think the topomax is actually working. I’m on my second week and I’ve only had one migraine and that was actually due to two days of bad sleep due to no ambien due to ran out. Though, admittedly, I had initial success with topomax when they tried me on it years ago. Let’s just hope the botox/topomax combo is the magic combo.
The only problem with the topomax is the random numbness it causes in my face, fingers, hands and feet. It’s not really a problem so much as a weirdness. It’s a little
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Tags: topomax, wellness, migraine, depression, suicide, therapy, botox
March 1st, 2006
I think I’ve reached a low point today. Reading the news.
More violence in the Middle East. People are dying. Who cares what color their skin is or their nationality or their god? People are dying and it’s just another bullet on the news. Just another day. How easy it is to be detached way over here on this continent in the safety of our living rooms.
More arguing between the Left and Right. Excuses from the Right. Fingerpointing from the Left. No one seems to be doing anything to stop the spiral of this country into a new dark ages.
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Tags: depression, Middle East, Terrorists, George W. Bush, Democrats, hopeless
February 26th, 2006
So, my shrink said to try to ignore the things I don’t get done or don’t accomplish everyday and focus on the accomplishments however small they might seem.
Today I’m very proud of myself for getting out of the house and going to the write-in even if I did spend most of the time socializing and reading rather than writing. Actually, once I get somewhere and get comfortable I’m fine. One of the fellow write-in persons commented that hours after I got there I was obviously feeling better than when I arrived. That’s true. I was enjoying
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Tags: depression, anxiety
