Stress, Procrastination, Paralysis

I’ve been completely stressed out lately.  Stressed to the point of being overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed to the point of near-paralysis.

I spent a rather eye-opening hour with the shrink last night who pointed out how connected my home-related stress is to my work-related stress is and how it all is just merging with my Winter-related depression and weighing me down to the point where I’m allowing myself to live up or down to whatever expectations certain people have of me.

I don’t know if I can explain this.  It all seems so circular.

So, at work, my top thought is always that I’m going to lose my job, though that’s not necessarily the case.  That, of course, is the result of my last job and looking back now, the jobs before that where the threat was always made present by the higher-ups as a form of possible punishment.  So, the more negativity that MJ and FW present toward me, the more MJ hovers and tells me that I’m not doing my job correctly, the more FW unprofessionally berates me in public and tells me that he and MJ are worried they are going to have to finish my work, the more anxious it makes me — especially since I am currently already highly anxious due to a very high-anxiety-producing deadline looming.  I just want some sort of validation that my job is not at risk.

On top of that I just bought a house, right?

A house that appears to have some “issues”.  The beadboard in the kitchen appears to be drying out from what little heat I’m using.  The paint is bubbling and splitting.  It looks horrible.  Cracks are forming between the ceiling and the slanted part of the wall in the rooms upstairs and the hall.  The paint between the wall and the linen closet in the bathroom has split.  The wall where the wood and the drywall meet beneath the stairs has distinctly separated.  I’m starting to see where seams and boards are in the walls and ceiling.  Oh, and there’s two small cracks in the paint in the bathroom over the shower/tub, which I suspect is hiding an army of mold spores beneath it’s plastic sheath.

My father wants me to talk to the people I bought the house from and make them come fix it, though I doubt I they are liable.  And someone told me some houses resettle every Winter.

However, I’m so miserable because I worry that there’s something wrong with the walls that I don’t want to do anything like finish unpacking or hang pictures or window treatments because that would be a waste of time because I’d just have to undo that stuff.  If I hang stuff, it’ll have to be unhung when the walls have to be fixed after all.

But my mother has decided to come for my surgery next month, which means I need to get the house in some sort of order or she’ll be disappointed, but there’s just so much to do and I just don’t know where to start.  I need to hang the shelves I bought for the office to finish unpacking, but the curio cabinet I bought and haven’t put together is in the way.  The curio cabinet is in like 1000 pieces and it just looks too hard.  I don’t want to do it alone but I don’t have anyone to help but I don’t want it still sitting there when my mom comes.

And on and on it goes…

And part of the house comes back to work…why unpack and finish the house if I’m going to lose my job and have to move.  Traditionally I take years to finish unpacking and hang every thing up and then it’s time to move.  Everyone who knows me knows this.  Which is why my mother keeps asking if I’ve hung stuff on the walls, I’m sure.

And some of the stuff I keep putting off saying I’ll do it when it gets warmer.  I have a ton of boxes from the move.  They’re all broken down and against the wall in my garage.  I want to put them in the rafters of my garage, but it’s friggin’ cold outside.  Who wants to spend that long outside?  I’m waiting for a warmer day.

Anyway, my job isn’t at risk.  I still have an immobile deadline.  MJ and FW are just unprofessional, nasty people; I think no matter where you go, there’s always one or two of those.  My boss is entirely understanding, if conflict avoiding.  I hung some curtains up last night and even unpacked a box.  I’ll have to see how I feel about my Susy Homemaker list when I get home tonight, but I’m o.k. with the stress I feel for work.  It’s just regular deadline anxiety and not “I’m going to lose my job if I don’t meet this deadline” anxiety and that’s o.k.

Maybe I’ll be able to crawl out of the overwhelmedness and depression and stressful paralysis and start posting again.

tags: work, anxiety, job loss, depression, overwhelmed, stress, paralysis

4 comments

1. on February 21, 2007 at 2:37 pm

   buttercup said:

   I know that feeling so stressed out near-paralysis well. I’ve been dealing with a bit of it myself for the last couple of weeks off and on. I’m sorry to hear that you’re anxious. Would it help to make a to-do list where you prioritize what needs to be done first, and so on? Then you could check off each item as you do it.

   Don’t worry about your mom coming. She should understand your job stress, and that it might not allow you time to get the house in perfect order. I also think your dad has a point about the walls. It sounds like someone put crappy paint up there and should take care of it. I don’t blame you for not wanting to hang stuff until you get that resolved, but maybe you need to take step towards resolving that so you know where you stand?

   Good luck with everything.

2. on February 22, 2007 at 3:33 pm

   John Masters said:

   Wow. I could have written this post. Count me as someone in a similar fix.

   I live in fear of losing my job, but there’s no much reason for it other than my lifelong problem with paralysis by analysis.

   I’ll be thinking about you, and praying for you. It’ll be easy to remember, I’m always praying about the same things for me.

   I don’t have a gall bladder issue, mine is chronic back pain and nerve damage in my leg from four back surgeries. I’ll pray for you on the health problems too.

   Hang in there. Sometimes hanging is all I can do.

3. on February 23, 2007 at 5:31 pm

   Heart_Man said:

   For over 30 years I experienced several life threatening chronic illnesses. Through the Grace of God I was lead to several people and organizations that aided me in understanding, positively dealing with and transforming these illnesses. For the past few years I have devoted my life to sharing what I have learned with others. The two most impactful organizations I was lead to are The Institute of HeartMath (www.emotionalmastery.com) and Landmark Education (www.landmarkeducation.com).

   The American Institute of Stress and The Centers for Disease Control have both reported that up to 90% of all illnesses are due to stress. I was lead to The Institute of HeartMath in 1997 and discovered that all of my illnesses were due to stress I had been experiencing in my life. Through learning and practicing HeartMath’s tools and technologies, I am able to prevent, manage and reverse the effects of stress, in-the-moment, achieve better health, more energy, improved mental and emotional clarity, and improved performance and relationships. HeartMath’s tools and technologies are scientifically substantiated; they literally saved my life.

   Landmark Education provided me with the knowledge and tools to identify and put in my past, barriers that were stopping me from living a powerful life and a life I love. Through this Education, I have reached an unshakeable Faith.

4. on April 30, 2007 at 11:48 pm

   Brad said:

   I know exactly what you are going through.

   I started an Internet business about two years ago. Everything was rocking and rolling.

   The business I started was a little venerable and I was in a similar position where I had thoughts that I could lose the business any day. Well the fateful day came and my online business came crashing down around my ears.

   I went into a heavy depression and found it very hard to claw my way out.

   The best thing I did was to find help.

   Usually when you get overwhelmed the best thing to do is to complete one task at a time. Prioritize them knock them off one at a time.

   Also something else that helped a lot was the meaning I was giving to my situation.

   Hey look at it this way; anyone anywhere can lose his or her job. No one is immune to it. Companies make people redundant everyday.

   I’ve been through two redundancies.

   Oh and about the new house…

   When I bought my first house, my mother said to me…”it’s a big responsibility…” I said “Yes” then she said well “…what if you lose your job?”

   I thought to myself…if everyone thought like this then no one would be able to afford a house…right?

   It’s funny how we all have the ability to worry, but then one day the worry takes on a new meaning.

   Keep your head up.

   Tackle one thing at a time.

   And give new meaning to the thoughts that bring you down.

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.