Greedy? Too Generous? Thoughts That Count

I know it’s supposed to be all about the giving, especially this time of year, but as I was making up my Christmas card list last night a sneaky, greedy, nagging little thought occurred to me.  Over the years, I have tried to be very generous with my friends; when people moved into apartments and homes and left for college or moved away, I always tried to make up care packages of things they would need for their new adventures.  I’ve helped people move; I’ve even helped them move out-of-town.  I planned birthdays, bridal showers and Christmas parties and sent care packages to far away friends when I found things they’d mentioned missing from back home.  In fact, after Hurricane Katrina, I sent lots of care packages to people I knew, giving up personal belongings I was collecting to people I knew who lost similar precious things.
And then let’s talk about the bridal showers and baby showers.  I really think it’s quite unnecessary and rude to have a gazillion bridal showers and baby showers, each with a separate theme, and invite all of the same people to each one and expect gifts for each one plus an expensive wedding present.  Plus, for every baby born, I not only visited, but sent flowers the day of the birth — o.k. for the first few babies, I did that.  I’ve been to Christenings, children’s birthday parties — and if you recall, I don’t even really like children, though I enjoyed buying gifts that made lots of noise to annoy the parents.

This summer, I went all the way to England to see one of my closest friends get married and participate in her wedding.  Plus, I bought her thank you gifts while I was there to thank her for letting me stay at her home as well as expensive wedding presents.  (Mind you, she hasn’t had time to talk to me since the wedding, which has been quite disappointing.)

The thing is that doing all of those things, at the time, made me happy.  I felt good doing those things for the people I considered my friends.

However, for some reason, I always believed, that if the shoe were on the other foot, so to speak, they were just as thoughtful and generous as I was.

But last night as I was considering my Christmas card list, that sneaky, greedy thought popped in my head.  Not only have very few of those friends said very little about my milestone moment of buying a house — PW actually sent me an email that I can’t tell if it’s meant to be a little snarky rather than nice — no one sent me any sort of “house warming” type gift.

I feel a little guilty because it does seem greedy, but it does feel more like the thought counting and it doesn’t seem like there’s been much thought for me.  My mother seems to think that I’ve been too generous over the years, but when she said it, I just couldn’t imagine not having given what I’ve given or done the things I’ve done.  To me, it just seems rude not to have, and maybe that’s part of it.  I feel as if my friends are being rude.  I feel as if I have been taken advantage of too, I guess.

Even now I’m torn.  I was planning on getting gifts for PW and her hubby and Peter and Meg, but now I feel extremely reluctant.  I feel as if it’s just perpetuating some sort of sham.   If it’s the thought that counts, that’s my current thought.

tags: dysfunctional friends

4 comments

1. on December 5, 2006 at 7:51 am

   Tod said:

   I stopped doing the multiple gift thing a few years back. I pretty much reached the same conclusion as you. Now my friends get a christmas card and I usually put “& kids” on it because I can’t be bothered to remember their names. Mwuhahah!

2. on December 5, 2006 at 4:57 pm

   n. mallory said:

   Now, do you do the “Christmas Letter” or just a card?

   I’m starting to feel weird about not getting gifts for folks this year.

3. on December 6, 2006 at 4:01 pm

   Patsy Terrell said:

   I know just what you mean. As I write I’m planning a Christmas party this Saturday - and I love for people to come to my house, but every once in awhile I’d like to be a guest instead of the host. Over the years probably 200 different people have been to my home during the holidays. How many of them have invited me to a party, dinner or other gathering? I count 17 over the past 22 years I have been a displaced southerner living in the midwest. My averages are not very good.

4. on December 7, 2006 at 10:16 am

   Tod said:

   I don’t do a Christmas letter. I always think if they wanted to catch up they woulda phoned. I am even ruthlessly pruning my card list this year. G is protesting as I red line people on our joint list but hey, if it’s been two years YOU’RE OFF THE LIST!

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