Is Virgin A Dirty Word?
In light of my recent attendance of a friend’s second wedding, the question was asked as to whether or not she wore white. She didn’t exactly. The questioner said that was good because he didn’t think brides should wear white at their second wedding.
I commented that she’d worn white at her first wedding though she’d lived with the groom for a year before that. Apparently, he thought that was fine.
I said that I guess the days of white signifying virginity are long gone and now it just means “first wedding.”
He said that was true.
I said “Well, if I got married, my dress would be real white.”
His reply was to be loudly offended — “I did not need to know that!”
How strange. When did becoming a virgin become taboo? If the conversation had been about who I was sleeping with, he would have been wanting to know all the details (not in a sexual harrassment way but a nosy gay guy kind of way).
Why is my white wedding offensive? It’s not like I told him what brand of tampons I was using.
Really, I’m quite bewildered and offended by his reaction. What’s so wrong with being a virgin? I mean, I’m not likely to discover that someone I dated in my past has gifted me with some surpise ticking death bomb. I’ve never had to worry about sexual disease or getting pregnant.
He makes it sound like I’ve committed some dirty act by not committing dirty acts.
tags: virginity
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on July 13, 2006 at 2:58 pm
Tamara said:
People are strange, to quote Jim Morrison (insert pot-kettle joke here).
on July 14, 2006 at 6:39 pm
RedBull said:
Since I wasn’t there, I can’t pretend to know exactly what prompted this person’s response to your admission, but let me try to explain what I think was going on.
People are often made uncomfortable when confronted by those who are different from themselves. This, it can be argued, is the root cause of homophobia, racism, and any other example of xenophobia you can come up with. We are afraid of that which is foreign. And for adults over the age of 25 or so, the vast majority are not virgins, and so this makes you alien to them in a way that you may not fully appreciate.
You might liken it to someone who has refused to ever watch TV. There is no reason to think that person is any less mature, any less intelligent, any less capable, or any less worthwhile than someone who has. You could even make the argument that someone who hasn’t watched TV is better off: they are free from the constant barrage of mass-marketed images, free from the influence of pop culture, and have more leisure time to spend doing things more worthwhile than sitting on the couch. But not watching TV makes you an outsider. You can’t talk with co-workers about last night’s episode of 24. You don’t know the inside jokes from Seinfeld. And since you have voluntarily chosen this path, people just don’t get it. They watch TV, everyone they know watches TV, and so the person that doesn’t seems abnormal, because they’ve chosen not to participate. There’s nothing inherently better about TV-watchers than non-TV-watchers, but by opting to behave contrary to social expectations, you have made yourself an outcast.
But the TV analogy doesn’t go nearly far enough to illustrate the point, because sexuality is such a powerful force in people’s lives. Sex is an inherent, biological drive that can outweigh the desire for even food and sleep. For the majority of people, voluntary abstinence is simply unthinkable. This is not to say that people are ruled by sexual desire, but it is a drive so fundamental and so potent that they cannot imagine living without it. Most people cannot understand why someone would choose not to have sex. Even in the face of fervent religious belief, even in the face of punishment or duress, sexual behavior is nearly impossible to totally suppress. Sex fulfills basic physical and emotional needs. To most people, an adult who is a virgin doesn’t make sense, because they cannot identify with them.
On top of this, many also see losing one’s virginity as a rite of passage into adulthood. Whether this is a useful characterization is debatable, of course, but the fact remains that in our society, this is how it is seen. After all, we refer to media with sexual content as “adult”, because we believe that it requires a certain amount of maturity in order to understand it. Like many of life’s most powerful experiences, having sex changes your point of view in a way that is hard to explain. The lack of this experience, in many ways, could cause someone to see a virgin as immature, naive or even irrational, because they have willfully exempted themselves from an entire dimension of human experience.
Someone who has never watched TV couldn’t really understand the power of the medium to influence our thoughts, to shape our opinions, to entertain or educate us. They have never experienced it, so they just don’t get it. In much the same way, you may not understand why your choice seems odd to some, but that’s because you’re on the outside. You’ve chosen a different path.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with choosing to be a virgin, or a pagan, or a polygamist. But like every choice that puts one at odds with society, the price can be steep, indeed. Not everyone will understand. You just have to know that you made the right choice for your own happiness.
on July 17, 2006 at 3:55 pm
n. mallory said:
I think it’s funny that you are comparing the choice of virgin to pagan and polygamist.
Anyway, I think what confused me about the whole thing was the fact that virginity has become a taboo lifestyle-choice, much like homosexuality used to be. However, we’re born virgins, it’s as natural a state as not being a virgin, if that makes sense.
Anyway, as I realized, when posting on your blog, Redbull, I have many gay and lesbian friends and co-workers. I have friends who lived together before marriage. I have friends who were virgins when they got married. I have many Wiccan and Pagan friends. I know tons of vegetarians. Heck, I even know someone who doesn’t like cats or dogs. I dated an atheist and two Republicans. I support those lifestyle choices. Those people expect me to support their lifestyle choices without question or judgement and without blinking or negative comment; all I ask in exchange is the same respect.
In this particular case, the response I received was from someone who I’d actively supported his lifestyle in the community, attending gay charity functions and political rallies. R-E-S-P-E-C-T