Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

I know you men like to think that when women get together you’re the first topic that gets brought to the table, but it just itsn’t so.

However, this past Sunday, was one of those rare occassions where I ended up in one of those “I need a man” conversations. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve been in one of those in quite a while. Maybe not even since I left New Orleans. Huh.

Anyway, I wasn’t even the one who said it. O.K. I repeated it but I was repeating it in more of a silly “I need a gay man” kind of way.

The truth is that it’s hard to meet men these days. It’s not like it was in my mother’s day. By my age, my mother was married and was planning my seventh birthday party. From what I understand from the stories of the golden era my mother had a kind of Gidget high school dating life without the steady boyfriend. She had lots of admirers and even made the mistake of having two dates in one night. There were parties every weekend and dances and meet-ups at the drive-in and the soda fountain. Most of it was just groups getting together and hanging out and having a swell time.

But, let’s face it, it’s not the 50’s and 60’s anymore and the women and men who are looking aren’t just teenagers and colleged aged anymore. There are a lot of late 20-somethings and up who are single and looking and they just don’t know where to look and there aren’t a lot of healthy, safe places for the older crowd to look.

And, unfortunately, I think that’s making some of them just a tad desperate because society has told us we are supposed to couple up or there’s something wrong with us.

So there were three of us in a coffee shop on Sunday. One of us was married, one of us is a determined bachelorette, and one of us would like to at least date right now and eventually find the right guy who isn’t totally anti-Catholic and settle down and probably have kids.

So, back to “the truth”. The truth is that it is hard to meet men. If you are like me and don’t drink and think that anyone over 28 should have outgrown the need to go out every night or weekend to get stupid drunk, going to a bar to meet a man is probably out. Everywhere else you might go to meet men is a place you hope you’d meet by chance. It’s all chance. There aren’t a lot of places to just hang out and socialize and meet strangers. Even in the coffee houses, you mostly only socialize within the social circle you arrived with.

Then there’s online. Now that’s scary. Trust me. I’ve tried it. When they started talking about the online dating sites, I kind of got quiet because at the time, I felt had absolutely no advice to offer since I’d had really sucky luck at it. If you thought trying to find Mr. Right was hard, try finding Mr. Wanna-Hang-Out-No-Hanky-Panky on the internet. Basically, I discovered there were two kinds of men on the internet: Mr. Gotta-Get-Married-ASAP and Mr.-Wanna-Screw-Everything-That-Moves-ASAP.

It now occurs to me that I do have advice to give. I have lots of advice to give. After all, experience brings wisdom, right. So, here’s some things I learned from my online dating experiences:

• Sometimes religion matters even when he doesn’t know it. (ie If you are a Christian and he is Jewish, Keeping the Faith is not a good 2nd date movie.)
• Beware of the guy with the large family and no friends. About three dates in, you will realize that all of his stories about about his family and there aren’t that many of them either.
• Choose a crowded meeting place for the first meeting and go with friends.
• Be afraid of guys who want to rush into a relationship. Those love-at-first sight movies are lying to you. They don’t show you that Baby and Johnny never made it a full year because of the bickering after the honeymoon was over.
• Find out what his hobbies are — you don’t want his only hobby to become you.
• This one is going to sound like it’s coming out of my mouther’s mouth, but…make sure he has a job. Temporarily laid-off has a way of stretching on and on and on and sometimes they don’t want to find another job.
• All men lie about what they want in a relationship. He will tell you whatever he thinks it is that you want in a relationship is what he wants. The trick is to figure out what he actually wants. Sometimes he doesn’t know himself. Sometimes you have to ask his mother. (Or find out from your mother after his mother tells her…true story.)
• Talk to him on the phone. This isn’t a guarantee but it’s kind of a check to make sure at least that it’s a he. However, do not give out your home phone number!!!!
• Do not give out your home address or phone number until you have dated a few times and are comfortable he isn’t a freak. This probably should include place of business, work number, stuff he could use to stalk you…Protect yourself!

So that’s my short list. I don’t have any answers. Obviously, I’m not looking for what other women are. I’m not looking for a man to marry and be fruitful with. I’d like someone to do the theater, movies, dinner with, sure. I’d love a travelling companion, yeah. But that’s what I’m looking for a male companion type. I’m not looking for romance. I’ve sworn that off ages ago. It’s not for me — though my mother has eternal hope.

Now, if I could find me a good gay man to go shopping with and talk bad about men with…

tags: men, love, couples, bachelorette, online dating

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