I Am Alive & Going To England

I appologize for seemingly abandoning this blog. The truth is that I’ve been distracted by more than a few things in my life:

• My grandmother’s death, as you know, took me somewhat by surprise and has caused me to do a lot of self-inspecting. Plus, I want to be there for my mother who I think took it a lot harder than me. Plus, the planning for the memorial service the weekend before Valentine’s Day in Florida.
  
• I’ve been thinking a lot about God, The Christian Church, Spirituality, etc. More self-inspecting and a lot of reflecting. It’s hard to tell what to believe anymore. The truth is that I’ve always had questions about things that simply didn’t make sense. Even as a child, I couldn’t quite grasp how the world came from Adam and Eve who only had two sons…no three sons, well maybe there were some sisters…or even how Noah got every possible animal on that Ark. Then there are things that I never really questioned like Jesus changing water into wine and raising Lazarous from the dead. Lately, I’ve been having questions about the whole trinity thing. I want to be a good Christian. I certainly want to go to Heaven when I die and I do believe in God, but I do wonder about the politics that shaped the Bible and the accepted teachings. I wonder sometimes if Jesus really was the son of God or if he was merely a prophet who was chosen by early Christain leaders to be our Savior as well as our Martyr. It bothers me that I have these doubts because the Bible and Christain leaders seem to be so vehmenent that blind faith is what is important, that without such faith there is no Salvation. So, I continue to struggle with logic and history and fact and faith. I want to believe; I do.
• I’ve been sick. I can’t remember if I only mentioned it in my weight loss blog or if I’ve mentioned it here, but for a while (over a year), I’ve been having problems with my legs — pain that comes and goes, like I’ve been over-exercising them, even when that’s completely impossible. I’ve mentioned it a couple of times to my doctor but she never seems to think there’s anything to worry about.However, a couple of weeks ago, this mysterious pain spread so that it was in my arms and my shoulders too. It was like a burning in the muscles, made worse by moving or using those muscles. I found that after climbing a flight of stairs, the pain was so bad that I’d have to stop and let the pain receed before I could continue. I was tired all of the time and was going to bed way early and didn’t want to get up in the morning — so much for the insomniac.No, I haven’t told my doctor. I kind of got the impression after the last visit that she didn’t want to see me for a while. Told me to come back in six weeks for a follow-up to an increase in my anti-depression med. So, I’m kind of waiting for that. However, I was telling J about this mysterious problem and she said that it sounded like a myalgia. Oy. Since she suffers from fibromyalgia, she should know, I guess. That kind of worries me.Plus, my migraines have not gotten better since the botox and I’ve had one really bad headache or migraine nearly every day since. Monday I was so ill, I thought I was going to throw up on my dental hygenist — you know they really should make changing appointments a little easier.
• And now, PW has finally set the wedding date for July 8th so I’ve been planning a 17-day trip in the busy season in England around her wedding, which will be in London-ish. So, I’m all stressed out about what I need to see while I’m there and how I’m going to get around and ohmigod what about the flying over the ocean thing?! I can’t figure out the train routes either — I think you may have to have a special degree to interpret the system. I have actually booked my flight for almost twice what I would have had to pay if she’d actually gotten married in April as planned. Otherwise, I’m in a panic, which will only increase when the tour books I ordered arrive today. Oy. So much to see, so little time.Not to mention, I haven’t been able to get in touch with PW the last few days. I guess I need to get a calling card and call her in London since she doesn’t appear to be answering her email, which only stresses me out more.
• Oh, and my co-worker thinks that George Bush is reading her e-mail and listening in on her cel phone. She actually called Verizon this morning to see if they had a way to check to see if her calls were being intercepted….and people call me paranoid.
• Oh, and they may take away my liberal card but I kind of like Alito and was glad he got the position. His history really does show that he is more about interpreting each case based on the law and not some personal agenda. I hope he stays that way.

tags: Faith, God, Spirituality, migraine, wedding, England, paranoia, Samuel Alito, discombobulated, fibromyalgia

2 comments

1. on February 2, 2006 at 6:44 pm

   Andy said:

   (1) Sorry to hear of your health problems. I’ve mentioned my wife before but she was diagnised with fybromyalgia about 12 years ago. Difficult to pin down but some of what you said sounds familiar. She is good now - at least for the last couple of years so.

   (2) May I suggest you read ‘The Dark Side of Christian History’ (Helen Ellerbe - who is not an aethiest!) It puts into perspective where all of the dogma comes from and why and explains why the church is at it is today. Always good to get all sides.

   (3) If you need any advice/tips/locations/hints regarding England feel free to email me. Judy and I have many US friends who travel over and we help out wherever we can

2. on February 3, 2006 at 12:14 pm

   n. mallory said:

   Andy - I’ve been reading that book actually. I read some and have to put it down for a bit to mull it over.

   There was something on the History channel recently too about how the books that in the Bible were chosen. I find it interesting that there are several other versions of Genesis, including one where Eve came first.

   Made me want to add The Dead Sea scrolls to my reading list.

   Part of the problem is that I love conspiracy theory and history and I mostly want to get down to the truth of things, but I don’t think we’ll ever find absolute proof about God, which is where the Faith comes in. It occurred to me that I don’t want to get to Heaven and not have a clue or an idea about the truth.

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