The Guilt of Compassionate Prayer For Death

My grandmother is in her mid-eighties and has been on a steady decline in health since the death of my step-grandfather four years ago. I suspect that the decline is at least a bit in part to a conscious or unconscious lack of desire to live without him. I have some resentful thoughts that she allowed herself to fall into this condition by refusing to take care of herself, a condition I suspect she was in before my step-grandfather’s death.

The nursing home she is in sent her to the hospital on Sunday as they were concerned she may have had a stroke. My mother also feels she is behaving as if she had a stroke but the hospital says the tests do not show this. However, she is now wasting away, barely eating, unable to speak in anything more than monosyllables, unable to sit up in a chair, unable to care for herself. She’s miserable.

In fact, she did not look all that well at Christmas when I visited her. She couldn’t keep herself from slumping. She complained about her back hurting her. She barely ate. She just stared at the world with blue eyes glazed over and mouth hanging open. She was skin and bones.

And I feel guitly that I have prayed to God that he ease her suffering and not prolong her life unnecessarily. Society doesn’t seem to encourage a person to wish for anyone’s death despite their quality of life. The Terry Schaivo Media Circus last year was clearly evident of that. We are supposed to demand that our loved ones hang on to every last drop of life, no matter how bitter.

And so I’m torn between wanting her pain and misery ended and the feeling that it is a horrible thing to wish anyone dead and mean it.

All I can think about is her laying in bed, trapped in her body, with nothing to do for hours and days on end but stare at the world going by. She’s in pain, she’s unhappy, and none of that is likely to improve. I know in my heart of hearts that this is one of my personal nightmarish fears for myself and that this must be torture to her. I just can’t bare to think of her spending weeks, months and years like this.

And I feel miserable thinking that the best thing for her would be to pass on.

tags: Faith, dysfunctional family

4 comments

1. on January 5, 2006 at 1:16 pm

   Tamara said:

   Don’t feel bad. Your wishes ARE compassionate. You love her, and want what’s best for her: peace and an end to suffering.

2. on January 6, 2006 at 9:10 am

   neca said:

   My grandmother had Alzheimer’s. I know she would be horrified if she could she how her life is. She is suffering and I pray for her to go & be with her husband. I think that is compassion - to selflessly wish for what is best for someone.

3. on October 3, 2006 at 2:34 pm

   Alex said:

   How amazing to read about your Grandmother’s situation. It is practically identical to what my Grandmother went through. She suffered her most severe stroke in Febuary and was in an awful condition until her release from life at the end of August. She too was in an old persons home, she too was looked after by my grandfather until he died eight years ago. Only when he died did it become clear to us how much he must have done for her..

   I am in two minds as to how to view the whole experience, because on the one hand, I felt like you that she needed to go, and it made me more upset and sad to see her suffering than her actual physical death. In a way though, I think it was an important time for her to let go of life. I feel she almost needed that time to “let go”, she went through feelings of being scared and times when it seemed that she still wanted to cling to life even though she was suffering immensely. As my other Grandma used to say,”You can’t rush children and old people”, and in many ways this is true.

   I think your feelings of praying for our grandmother’s release are entirely understandable and show your real concern for her wellbeing. We all have to die, that is unavoidable. Suffering though is a terrible thing, and it really hurts to have to watch your loved ones go through it.

   The thing I feel guilty for is not having spent more ime with her. Even though she was not communicatng towards the end, I feel terribly guilty for not just being there with her - holding her hand, reading to her, just letting her feel that she was not alone. I think this is the best thing you could possibly do for someone in that condition, and unfortunately I was in another country…

   I wish you all the strength in the world. X

4. on October 3, 2006 at 7:00 pm

   n. mallory said:

   Thanks for your kind words and I’m sorry for your loss.

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