I’ve Been Searchin’ My Soul

I have actually. Been searching my soul this month. I’ve been having quite a bit of intraspective quiet time.

I’ve learned that I am a successful professional. I have learned that I’m content programming and analyzing though maybe I would be happier doing something else. I’m not sure what that something else would be.

I’ve accepted that I suffer from depression and general anxiety disorder and probably will my whole life. I’m sure I have mild OCD and continue to show signs of codependency though I am not now in a codependent relationship of any kind. I believe I have a fear of intimacy and it’s safe to hide behind moving to Maine rather than deal with that head on.

I have realized that my parents still treat me like a child rather than an adult and much of the time, I am content to let them, but I would like to be treated like an adult and have my decisions respected. I would like my parents to acknowledge my accomplishments rather than setting the bar higher when I reach a goal set by them. I would like to set my own goals. I would like to feel that I haven’t disappointed them because I am overweight, single, and don’t own a house. I would like my mother to stop sending me conflicting signals and I would like the strength to discuss this with my mother.

I’ve learned that I can be judgemental and eggotistical while having severe low self-image and low self-confidence issues. I’ve learned that I’m not always as good a friend as I could be. I can be impatient and bitchy. I don’t like to ask for help and even when it’s offered, I shy away from it. I don’t know how to graciously take compliments and I often wonder what the alterior motive behind them is. Oh, yes, and I’m paranoid. My shrink seems to think it comes naturally from my life experiences. Perhaps.

I’ve been told I am brave and courageous because I got in my car and drove 1700 miles from New Orleans to Maine with two cats to start a new life where I knew no one, but I rarely feel brave or courageous; I see the same action as one of desperation and necessity. I suffer from survivor’s guilt because I wasn’t there for Hurricane Katrina and I feel as if my friends, who were my extended family for so long, needed me and I was so far away. I feel helpless way up here unable to do more than offer emotional support and send care packages.

Mostly I feel like a little girl way over her head in real life. I wonder if I’ll ever feel like a grown up. I wonder if I’ll ever be happy. I wonder what other people think about while they drive to work or sit at their desks or lay in bed at night. I wonder what drives other people. I wonder what makes me so different.

tags: Me

2 comments

1. on December 20, 2005 at 10:55 am

   Tamara said:

   I don’t think you’re that different. I’m 37, I’ve been married for 7.5 years, we “own” a home (actually the bank does, of course!), etc., but I still sometimes feel like an imposter, someone posing as a grown-up. You’ve achieved some things that I haven’t yet: paying off debt, for one. We’re all kind of floundering, is the thing. Or at least a lot of us are. I think the fact that you’re in therapy, and soul-searching, is a big testament to your strengths — many people would just bury themselves in deeper and then it could get really scary.

   As for not being a good friend, I too struggle with feelings of guilt over my self-perceived selfishness and judgmentalness. But nobody is perfect, and we are probably being too hard on ourselves. At least we’re aware, but let’s try not to overlook the good things we do.

   Keep up the great “work” and keep reaching just a bit outside your comfort zone. I’m proud of you, and appreciate you sharing so much of yourself here.

2. on December 20, 2005 at 1:04 pm

   neca said:

   I agree with much of what Tamara said. I don’t know that you are all that different - the difference is the degree to which we share these innermost feelings with others.

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