How Naked The NaNo Truth?

I’ve often joked about how I was a Computer Diva toward the end of my last job. Heck, I’d accepted that maybe my head was a little big there but I also felt I was somewhat justified.

Reading back through my old journal in those months prior to my “involuntary termination”, I have come to the conclusion that the condition was far worse than I imagined. It’s hard to see ourselves when we’re living in the middle of the bruhaha. Sometimes it’s hard to see ourselves clearly even looking back with 20/20 vision. Some of us never see ourselves the way others do or could.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I was a serious bitch, not just a diva or a prima donna. I suspect that I had coming some sort of fall. Someone needed to knock me down a few pegs or ten. I really did believe with all of my heart that I was better than everyone there in that office and by better I mean more talented, more logical, more intelligent, more sane. I really had my own brand of self-righteousness and snobbiness.

Why didn’t someone tell me I was being a bitch? Why didn’t any of my friends notice? I really wish one of them had smacked me good just once and made me see the light.

I hope and pray I’m not that person today. I don’t think I am, but I’m ashamed of the things I thought and wrote and said about my coworkers. Clearly, I needed a large helping of humble pie.

Ultimately, I can really only blame myself for who I became but I do wonder if becoming that person was a survival technique in that workplace. I mean, just because I recognize the flaws in myself at that time doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned my beliefs that “The Minion Supervisor” was plotting to get me out of there or that The Queen was any less a control freak who operated in a logic all of her own or that most of the Interface team was lazy.

You know the saying that just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you? Well, just because you’re a bitch doesn’t mean they aren’t bitches too.

Anyway, as part of this personal intraspection into my life before Maine in writing a semi-autobiographical NaNo, I’m faced with a quandry of sorts. How truthful am I going to be?

I have always maintained that I always tell the truth in my journals, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t left out personal bits and pieces that I didn’t want to share or was afraid to share. There is an element of the events that led to my “involuntary termination” that I don’t think I ever shared with my parents. It lends itself to making me look rather bad. I’ve kept it close and when I think about it, my chest hurts.

My mother is planning on reading my NaNo and to be honest I’m a little wary of sharing with her this one tidbit. While it’s not the reason I was “involuntarily terminated” itself, it was used against me. I was guilty as charged on this one account, though by the time of my “involuntary termination”, it was something they couldn’t accuse me of as far as being a current deal. I’m not sure I’m making myself clear…

Let’s just say that I did something that wasn’t professional and I was told to stop doing it, but I was told that I could do so during my lunch hour. Then they wrote me up for doing this thing on my lunch hour, so I stopped doing it at work all together…when they fired me, they couldn’t bring it up because I’d already been disciplined and had stopped the action. However, in the fight to keep me from getting unemployment benefits, they threatened to bring that up in court if I sued. I did get unemployment benefits and there was no court fun, but trust me, it scared the shit out of me. I just didn’t want my parents to know and be disappointed in me.

For some reason, the approval of my parents is extremely important to me even now at 34 years old. I know I’ve disappointed them in the past and I hate that. It really nags at me. None of my generation of Mallories have managed to not be big disappointments in some way or another. Admittedly, right now I have the status of the “good cousin” as I’m less messed up than the others for the moment.

So, how truthful should I be? I know the truth personally. I accept that it is one of the things that led to my downfall. It pains me that it happened. I want to use this NaNo story as a cathartic release of the negativity surrounding the whole experience, but I also don’t want to cause more negativity with my parents. I’m just not sure of the right thing to do here.

tags: NaNoWriMo, writing, therapy

2 comments

1. on November 14, 2005 at 11:34 am

   Tamara said:

   Hmmm, it’s a conundrum. I would say this: you are writing fiction — not a confessional. I am sure you’re embellishing to some degree; you can also omit things. Is it imperative that you “confess” this particular aspect? It’s possible that including it could clutter the narrative, and that the novel — as a novel — would be better served by sticking to the main events.

   Or if you feel it is necessary, maybe you could change the details?

   Either way, I think it’s important to distinguish — to yourself and any readers, including your parents — that it is, in the end, a piece of fiction.

   Just my two cents, anyway!

2. on November 15, 2005 at 10:44 am

   the english guy said:

   You should be truthful, not only to yourself, but to your family. As the saying goes, ‘the truth shall set you free’, how true it is. Move on, and get on with your life and learn from any mistakes you may have made. Not a single one of us is perfect, we just all strive to be…

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