What NaNo Is Teaching Me About Me
Going back and rereading my old journal so as to refresh my mind about the events that occurred in that last year at the old job has been somewhat enlightening. Writing scenes and and a story around those events has allowed me to explore my feelings regarding those events and the person I was then as opposed to the person I am now.
It’s almost hard to believe that someone a month ago told me I sounded angry about the job loss and the move and I just don’t feel that way now. Maybe my mother was correct in her assessment that all I really needed to do was recognize that I was still angry to just let go.
I’m not saying that those events themselves don’t make me feel anger now, but I don’t think I’m carrying it on my back and shoulders and I don’t think the bitterness is so prominent.
I still wish that those things hadn’t happened the way they happened, but I now realize and accept that without them happening, I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am now and for the most part, I like where I am and who I am now. I have a better job, I make way more money, I’m appreciated, I’m validated, I have a better boss, I’m debt-free, I’m politically active, I’m news-aware, my migraines are better than then, and so on and so on.
Granted, there’s still plenty I need to work on — I need to lose weight and get healthy, I need to get my house clean and keep it that way, I need to make more friends and get over the whole social anxiety thing, among other things.
The truth is that I was miserable in my job but content to stay there because it required too much effort and too much upset in my life to change jobs and/or move somewhere else. The truth is that my circle of friends were ready to grow out of each other but were using each other a a crutch for not finding new friends and experiencing new things and I was no different from any of them. Though I felt the loss of their nearby-ness deeply, I would never have grown, never have tried stained glass art, probably never have tried NaNo, never gone to any NaNo write-ins, etc. I was ready to start being a grown up, but 10 years of hanging on to a high school-type crowd was holding me back, as my mother believes.
I believe that I am a better person now even with all of my flaws and baggage.
Plus, I have to admit after reading through parts of my old journal, I was extremely conceited. I don’t know how it’s possible to have an inferiority complex and be conceited, but I was. I truly believed I was better than anyone in my office, that I could do my job better than any of them could do theirs, that I truly was deserving of respect. I think my diva ego was just about ready for a fall.
These days, I catch myself every now and then, having some of those same thoughts about how frustrating it is to work with people who don’t know what they are doing when I think they should. I catch myself starting to feel a little uppity and snotty and I remember that I don’t like that side of myself. Yes, I know I’m good at what I do, I may still even be a programming genius, but if I learned anything from this whole job loss experience, there’s another programming genius out there who’s willing to do my job. I’m not irreplaceable and there are people out there who are smarter than me. I’m not “all that”.
And quite frankly, I don’t need to be anymore.
You may also enjoy...
7 comments
Leave a comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.
on November 8, 2005 at 10:16 am
Tamara said:
Wow, that is an awesome post. NaNo is enlightening, yo!
on November 9, 2005 at 5:45 am
Omni said:
Hi Mallory!! I found out you were linked to me, so I dropped by to check you out; I really like your blog, and I’ve put in a link to you on my blog, which I’ll use to start visiting you!!
on November 9, 2005 at 4:36 pm
n. mallory said:
Omni! Welcome!
Yes, I have been reading your blog. I enjoy reading your POV and have wanted to contact you more than once on various things you’ve discussed.
BTW, have you thought of trying “Self” magazine instead of “Cosmo”? I also like “Health” and “Real Simple”.
Tamara — I am doing the NaNoProcrasination thing.
I’ll have to make up for it this weekend. How are you doing with it?
on November 9, 2005 at 5:11 pm
Tamara said:
Procrastination is my middle name. Well, not really, but…
I’m at 7279 words or something like that. I’m going to have to get cracking, I’m really going to strive for 20K by the end of the weekend. If I get to 25K, I’ll take it!
on November 9, 2005 at 5:58 pm
Omni said:
I’m always pleased to know that I’m entertaining people.
“Self” and “Health” are a little bit off of the women’s-magazine path… what kind of mag is “Real Simple”?
on November 10, 2005 at 3:30 pm
Tamara said:
Hit 10K last night, finally! How’s your count going?
on July 20, 2006 at 4:13 am
zahra_katimadin said:
hello
i’m a student in important highscool in iran. i want to study about nanotechnologi.i need your help to have a very excellent research.thank you.