After All These Years, Money Still Worries Me

I was in debt already after college. I hid it for a few years from my parents, but some of my friends knew. The debt just kept growing and growing out of control.

While I’m fairly sure that mental illness runs in my family, I think my panic attacks started with that debt then. The first real panic attacks I can recall from the recesses of my mind involved pages of bills piled on the table, the floor or the kitchen counter as I tried to figure out who to pay and when so as to not bounce another check.

I’ll admit that I have never been good at managing my own money. I’m really still not, probably much to my CPA father’s disappointment.

I even have a rather vivid memory of having woken in the middle of the night in my first one bedroom/roommate-free apartment in the throes of a panic attack over my checking account. I even recall calling and waking a dear friend in the wee hours just to cry over the impending disaster of it all.

Eventually, I had to face my parents and they loaned me some money and then set me up on a budget to pay things off. Over the years, right after Christmas, I always seemed to get further in debt — the problem with being generous and loving sales — and therefore the debt never seemed to get paid down very far before it would leap way up again.

I had been on the way to paying it off the fall before my unfortunate “involuntary” termination that led to 3 months of unemployment and my move from the South to New England. It took me an extra year than I had planned, but that debt is finally paid off.

But the panic attacks are still here every now and then. It’s strange because I used to panic if my checking account got below $100. Now I panic if it gets below $2,000 — mind you my rent is almost $1,100/month rather than the $650/month down South. But I still do panic.

And it’s worse after I’ve made a rather large purchase — like a Dyson Animal plus $500 to repair my Jeep — though I should get that money back…someday…

I know I should manage my money better or just quit spending it altogether, but it’s hard. I don’t know why. I love my online bill pay because I can set up the bills to go right to my bank and have the bank pay them. I only really have to worry about my rent and gas bill as they refuse to get into the 21rst century.

Anyway, I had a panic attack today. Thank goodness for savings — thank goodness, my dad drilled into me all these years in debt to put the money in savings once the debt was paid off. I transfered $500 into checking just to make me feel better…

I wonder if there’s a support group for me…or at least an honest accountant I don’t have to tell my dad about? I wonder if he’s married to a cleaning lady I don’t have to tell my mom about.

tags: debt, anxiety

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