Glimpsing My Muse…

I’m feeling kind of odd this morning. Last night I admitted to myself and SuzyQ something I hadn’t wanted to admit but had been feeling for some time. Perhaps I’ve been on the verge of this for a while.

I started playing roleplaying games late in my life in 1994. They have been a big part of my life — the creativity, the escapism, the socialness of it all. I’ve been both player and GM and I’ve both enjoyed and hated both at times. I started Play-by-email games not long after I guess. It’s sort of blurry and there were times when I was in as many as 5 at one time and for a while now I’ve been in just one — I call it my baby though I wasn’t the creator and I joined 6 months after it started and five years later, I’m the only player who has continuously played for all but 6 months of the game.

And I guess I’ve been clinging to the game because it’s my last tie to roleplaying since I haven’t found a roleplaying group in Southern Maine and most of the play-by-email games I’ve seen advertised kind of scare me or sound too silly to me. Personally, I have no interest (anymore) in roleplaying in some literary or televized fictional world created by someone else — o.k. well, I can qualify that a bit — I wouldn’t mind playing in the world of Harry Potter as long as none of the characters were cannon and it didn’t take place in England or Hogwarts, etc. That is J.K. Rowling’s story to tell and I don’t like messing with it. I also wouldn’t mind roleplaying in the realms of Buffy and Angel and the Charmed sisters but again, I don’t want to play with cannon characters and altered universes. I have no interest in playing in the Star Wars or Star Trek realms. Nor do I want to play high school soap operas like Dawson’s Creek or Felicity. I also have very little interest in soft or hard-core porn via email.

O.K. I’m picky. I admit it.

But maybe the truth is that I’m tired of playing in worlds created by other people. Maybe unconsciously my writer’s block stems from the weight of all of the work I have to do to keep the game going. It’s tiring having to nag people to post and nudge the people who are supposed to be telling the stories to actually do so. It’s just not any fun for me anymore…and I really do want to write. I’ve become so dependent on others for storytelling and the stories never go the way I hope they will. Maybe it’s time to focus on my own stories, open my mind to my muse.

Yesterday’s chat with SuzyQ lifted a little of the weight off of my shoulders and chest just by admitting how I feel and just knowing that she too feels the same — though she does have other PBeMs to play in.

And strangely last night as I was falling asleep the niggling of some characters I’ve had floating in my head but had no games for started to expand a little…they sort of spoke to me. I’ve not found a game world suitable to play them in and had no desire to create one for other people to play in and mess up, but what if I built the world and directed the character in that world on pages of my own.

Maybe this is what I need to take back my muse, to daydream once again of characters and scenes and adventures that long since seemed to have abandoned me.

And yet, I’ll miss being the player (if not the GM)…

tags: writing, PBeM, roleplaying games

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