The Funk

I know it’s been awhile. I don’t know why I was avoiding writing here with everything that’s been going on. I’ve needed an outlet and here was this journal and I didn’t take advantage of it.

Every time I get word about my 17 year old cousin who was diagnosed with aneorexia, it all seems to get worse. Apparently she has a 19 year old boyfriend who dropped out of high school and she is failing her senior year and my mother thinks she is on drugs due to her irratic behavior. Apparently she needs more surgery on her knee that she injured last year but the doctor won’t operate until she gains 20 lbs which sh refuses to do.

Both of my grandmothers have been moved into assisted living now. I think it’ll be good for both of them, but I know that was a hard decision for my parents and aunt and uncle. The grandmother in New Mexico supposedly was gaining weight shortly after she moved in but apparently she’s returned to her old ways of not eating now. She also is falling quite a bit, which is what she was doing before she went in. My mother says she always falls on her face though.

My father was diagnosed with a foot long blood clot in his right leg a few weeks ago. No one can figure out how he got it as he doesn’t fit into the profile since he is very active and such. As a result he has been restricted to sitting in a chair with his leg up for an indefinite period until it goes away. He gets shots daily and blood tests every couple of days and he’s just going crazy. He is getting better though and has been told he can make short trips to the Super Wal-mart — there’s really not a lot to do in that little town.

Anyway, I’ve been in a bit of a funk for a while now. I don’t know that the prozac is working. If I had to hazzard a guess as to what brought this about, I would have to guess that it was the realization of the mortality of my family and the sad thought that one day they will have all died and left me alone and maybe that’s selfish but really I don’t even want to think about a life where my parents aren’t alive and nagging me and caring for me and generally just being there.

But there’s also that realization that outside of my family, I really don’t have anyone I can truly count on to be there. Oh, yes, I have some friends far away, but PW is in love and probably going to move to London to be with her new man and really I haven’t heard from her in a while — and I’m trying to give her some space because the last time she was in love we fought quite a bit and I don’t want to be a demanding friend this time. Meg and Peter have gone one with their lives. SusieQ is so far away and really we’ve never met in person. N2 is down South and is a single mom struggling to make a life for herself and I wouldn’t want to be a burden to her.

I guess the truth is that if things continue as they are now, I will end up in a nursing home with no visitors and no real memories to keep me warm.

Where I used to love my weekends alone, now I feel rather apathetic about them. In fact, I feel rather apathetic about everything. I feel like I’m just going through the motions of life waiting to retire and to die. Really there’s not a lot to look forward to or at least that’s how I feel. No one needs me. No one does anything social outside of work with me.

So, I had a chat with my shrink yesterday about all of this. She gave me a to-do list.

• Talk to lady in my CSS class. I am currently taking a crash course in CSS twice a week and there is a lady who used to work where I work now. We chatted a little but it’s not in my nature to inquire too much about a person’s personal life like if they are married, single, etc. So, she has challenged me to try to have a more inquiring chit chat. Also, since the lady works at a university I am to inquire if she knows of any clubs/organizations for folks who go to movies or theater and then dine and discuss afterwards.
• Call the theaters to see if they know of any movie clubs. One of the things I miss from college was getting together with a few people fairly regularly and going to a movie (or play) and then to dinner to discuss the symbolism and such. I just miss the intellectual and creative interaction.
• Go visit N2 for a weekend. I’ve never been able to afford to just up and go somewhere on a whim before but now that I am one payment away from paying off my credit card debt, I find myself in that weird position that if I want to do something like that, I can. As N2 is the nearest of my friends, a short trip to VA and back in a weekend would be a nice getaway. My shrink thinks that the isolation is waring on me and that I need some human interraction. I’ve already talked to N2 about it and I’ll probably go in mid-June.
• Join Weight Watchers meetings. Though I am finally starting to be successful doing WW Online, my shrink thinks it would be good for me to go to meetings and interract with people, especially if it will get me out of the house. So, I’ve started inquiring as to which meeting would be good to go to as I want a dynamic leader. Or maybe I’ll do the WW@Work program as they are having an open house on June 7th.

We talked about how when I get like this it’s important to force myself to get out and mingle and be around people even though that’s the last thing I want to do. I guess I knew that but I just don’t see the point. It’s really not a lot of fun to wander around the mall without anyone unless I’m there to buy something. It’s not a lot of fun going out to eat on my own. I really don’t like going to the movies alone.

I tried to start a Portland-based movie club on meetup.com but they have started charging and since no one signed up, I cancelled my membership. I wish I knew how to go about starting a club like that. I suspect most clubs start because they are already a group of people doing stuff and want to be more organized and meet more people.

Anyway, obviously I need to work on some things. Obviously, I need to get out of this funk.

tags: dysfunctional family, depression, therapy

One comment

1. on May 25, 2005 at 9:01 am

   neca said:

   Have you considered volunteering? It’s a way not only to meet people, but to get outside your head for a while. It has helped me in the past.

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