Waiting For The Third Shoe To Fall

My boss had come by earlier looking for fudge that had of course been finished off by the office folk two days ago. He noticed I had cookies but decided not to take them upon discovering they were a gift from my neighbor (btw, she makes good cookies).

So, after FW and I went down to Subway and I induldged myself in buying a six inch meatball sub on Italian herbs & cheese bread and a side of Baked Doritos, FW and I were walking back discussing my work schedule as I’m working the official holidays of Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve and I “jokingly” said “that is if I still have a job next Friday.” He laughed and told me that he was sure I was going to have a job and laughed more when I commented on the odd timing of it being the last official working day of the year. He launched into how my boss is always months behind on his evals and how he’s always in trouble for it.

Anyway, so I came back and went to the vending machine for a Diet Coke and on my way back stopped at my bosses office and said, “So if I bring those cookies over, will that reflect positively on my evaluation?” He laughed and said only if I don’t do it until Monday since now he’s tired of food. He also appologized for waiting so long to do the eval and was actually surprised to find out it was next Thursday as the secretary scheduled it, not him.

So, I’m feeling a little better but I’m really not good at criticism and I really don’t want to hear bad things about me, though my father said that when he was a manager, he was told that he had to find at least two things wrong with everyone for their evaluations. I’m still not estatic about the timing. I keep trying to remember to think about the things that contridict the out-of-control panic attack like the shrink told me.

I just feel like last year in late fall, I had just started to get my life together. I was saving money, paying off my debt, thinking of buying a house, investing in myself as a kitchen consultant (O.K. that didn’t work out well…), my medical condition was improving and I’d finally gotten an appointment at the Tulane Headache Clinic…Life seemed to be on the up side except for who I was working for and how insane the job environment was.

So, here I am a year later and my life is starting to sort itself out again. I’m saving money, paying off my debt, considering replacing my cheap junky furniture with decent grown-up stuff, have embraced my inner neat freak, my medical condition is improving again on new meds, I’m going to therapy, and I’m in the process of reiventing/rediscovering myself…

Things feel a little too good, a little too comfortable, a little too like something is about to go horribly wrong. After all, in the past, every time I’ve saved up a little money, nasty horrible things have happened like uninsured root canals, car trouble, trips to the ER…This month I did have $600-worth of work done on my car and had to pay $100 of a $1300 medical bill (not as good as the old insurance but still pretty good). Seems like I’m waiting for the third shoe to fall…though that $200 grocery bill last night felt a bit excessive…not to mention the crime against nature of having to buy wine in a box. I was so embarrassed.

So, anyway, for the moment, the world has stopped spinning, the six inch meatball sub is gone, there are still Baked Doritos and Christmas cookies on my desk and I kind of feel like I’ll be employed come January 1rst. Sometimes I’m too paranoid for my own good.

I still might bring fudge to work next Thursday just in case.

tags: anxiety, paranoia

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