So Maybe It’s Genetic

Well, I went to my first therapy session. It was that initial conversation where we discussed what has been going on in my life and what my family history is and all of that.

I discussed my concerns about mental illness in my family on my father’s side. My grandmother is bi-polar, my cousin committed suicide about six years ago, and my other cousin has been diagnosed with aneorexia. My aunt has been in therapy though I don’t know what any diagnosis was. My uncle definitely has something wrong with him upstairs though I doubt he’ll be diagnosed. My mother suspects he’s bi-polar as well. My dad is very structured and I suspect he may have some OCD. All three cousins (myself included) were only children.

My mother also thinks I may have a slight OCD as well and quite honestly, I think she might be right. It’s really little quirky things like when making a to-do list on paper, I have to start the list over every day. I cannot write on a piece of paper that has a mark on it or has something else, not related, on it.

Anyway, I’m supposed to work on a few things this next week. I’m supposed to make a to-do list of everything that I need to do between now and when my parents come on Christmas day. Theoretically having a list will make me less stressed about it and I can just assure myself that it’s on the list so it will get done rather than running over the list over and over and over in my head relentlessly. In the past, I’ve been forbidden to make the whole Christmas dinner because for some reason, making the huge meal for my parents has made me so stressed that I became physically ill. However, when I made Thanksgiving dinner for just PW and myself, I was fine. Obviously, the need to have a perfect family dinner is important to me. Just like getting my apartment super-clean before my parents arrive and make comments. I just can’t stand the thought of disappointing them in yet another way I guess.

Also, when I start to feel an anxiety attack about job loss, I’m supposed to think about why I’m having it. What thoughts are running through my head that make me obsess about it. Plus, I’m supposed to go through a list of reasons why I have no reason to suspect I’m losing my job like I’ve received two raises, I’ve been made a permanent employee, my boss has never said I’m doing a bad job, there’s no tension between my boss and myself, etc. The idea is that if I recite the list of good things over and over, the negative thoughts will quiet down.

I tried that yesterday morning. During our weekly team meeting with our boss, our boss had to leave early and FW asked about when something would be taken care of but I either didn’t hear what that something was or he really didn’t exactly say. The boss responded with “It’ll be taken care of in 24 hours.” Well, for some reason this set off my anxiety. I started thinking that I’d be fired in 24 hours. I tried the list thing, but it didn’t quell the storm very much. In the end, I ended up asking FW what it was they were talking about. Apparently, they are trying to set up a trip to another hospital to look at some software. It had nothing to do with me.

I am a very paranoid person. I know this. In a way, I’m much like Needy. I hate it when doors are closed. MD has started closing his office door fairly often. His office is next to my bosses and when I hear the door shut, I start to feel kind of panicky because nothing good every happened when the door closed to my ex-Supervisor’s office. He left it open for pretty much everything and I often heard him reprimanding people from my cubicle next door. This is something I really need to work on. Not everything is about me.

We have not started to work on the compulsive eating but she did suggest I cut off the caffiene around 5pm and start to get some exercise. Exercise is not only good for weight loss but it helps with mental health, makes you feel good about yourself. I personally like exercise once I get started. It’s the getting started that’s the problem. She did suggest that I not try to force myself to exercise in the morning, which is when I tried to schedule it but could never get up and then felt guilty. She said it has to fit into my schedule comfortably.

One thing I wish I knew is how other people’s brains work. What do other people think about in the quiet moments? What goes through their minds on the drive to and from work? Are they making grocery lists and to-do lists over and over and over? Do other people think “I need to diet. Oooo, I want some Twizzlers” more than a few times a day? One of the things I’ve told the therapist I want to accomplish is to retrain my brain to think without the obsessive focus on negative thoughts. I just don’t think medicine is enough.

Ironically, the truth is that when I lost 50 pounds, my obsession with working the WW plan really paid off. That anxiety and OCD came in handy then. It’s not particularly helping right now that I have gained back 30 pounds, but I kind of wish I could get back into that frame of insanity. Looking back, I think all those times I became obsessed with getting a program working right was part of the OCD that wouldn’t let me go to sleep until it was done. That was a positive thing too.

Plus, I kind of wish my OCD would focus on neatness. I wouldn’t mind terribly being a neat freak.

Another thing I have to think about is what makes me happy. To be honest, I don’t recall ever being a particularly happy person and lately, I just feel numb. I’m not terribly sad about being alone here in Maine. I’m a little bitter by the whole job loss thing. I was very passionate about the elections, but really I wasn’t terribly depressed about the election outcome. Probably the most excited I’ve been in a while was last Friday with the first snow and while I frolicked, I still don’t recall being truly happy-happy. I guess I wish I felt something but mostly I feel apathetic. I’m not sure how I can feel anxious and fearful and apathetic at the same time but I do.

So much to work on I guess. At least it’ll get me out of the house once a week. Hopefully, it’ll work out so I can be normal or at least feel more normal and feel more confident and well, happy.

tags: therapy

One comment

1. on November 2, 2005 at 5:31 am

   Mishal said:

   I feel very sorry for first part of your article. Mental illness is no doubt a great trauma itself.

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